hamelife

The Big Move: I Think We're Good To Go

2007-02-17T00:52:00.000Z

That's it. I think this is my last post over here at blogspot.

hamelife is now "hame" in the complete sense. The RSS feed is up and running; the email subscription service is fully functional. I will gradually update the links, and so on, as time goes on. But for now, that's where it's at.

In The Process Of Migration

2007-02-16T08:06:00.000Z

I am holding off the post on Praise, and a round-up of the various comments. It will give some a little longer to ponder the delicate balance of praise and criticism when an obviously excited two-year-old skippity-limps up and presents a pair of shoes on the wrong feet: "Look, Daddy, I put them on myself!"

That's not completely the real reason, of course. No - I'm migrating!

I have decided to make the leap and transfer everything over to hamelife.com, blog, stock, 'n' comments, and begin using WordPress.

It's going quite smoothly at the moment, and a quick visit will probably present a homepage in only relative disarray. I'm not proud - if you are interested in a work in progress, it's all going on at this location.

I'm not sure how to convey how much I appreciate regular visitors to this weblog. I will keep you informed, and I hope to have the switch complete - homepage up, RSS and email subscription in place, links replaced etc. - by the end of February, to go in to the new month.

Please bear with me...

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Praise This! "Look, Daddy, I Put My Shoes On!"

2007-02-15T06:13:00.000Z

Yesterday's response was great. Admittedly, we had a leg up with it being Wordless Wednesday, but all the same.

Here's a third scenario for you: "Look Daddy, I put my shoes on."

If you've got a moment, I would encourage you to read Tuesday's article on Praise - How Parents Can Turn Something Essential Into Something Extraordinary, and then comment on this picture imagining that it is your two-year-old child standing in front of you. What could you say?

If you're in a bit of a rush, here's a summary: Rather than saying a quick, "Good job!" Describe what you see, describe the accomplishment, and, if you want, describe how you feel.

I would just love to get your responses - and do the same for the scenarios presented yesterday, and Tuesday - and I was thinking that I could publish some of your posted comments on Friday, with a link to your site.

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Scribbles?

2007-02-14T00:25:00.000Z

It being Wordless Wednesday, and all, (adopting completely un-PC cod-French accent - in a whisper) I shall say zees on-lee wanz:

If you have the time, please read yesterday's post on Praise and then comment on this picture imagining that it has been presented to you by your two-year-old child. What could you say?

If you haven't got the time, here's a summary: Rather than saying a quick, "Oh that's great. You're a real artist!" Describe what you see, describe what you think of, and, if you want, describe how you feel.

Do the same with yesterday's picture as well, if you like. And there will be another one tomorrow.

I would just love to get your responses, and I was thinking that I could publish some of your posted comments on Friday, with a link to your weblog. Yay!

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Praise - How Parents Can Turn Something Essential Into Something Extraordinary

2007-02-13T05:11:00.000Z

Which would you say is the most effective praise?

"You are so kind!"

or

"You gave your sister a hug when she was crying. That shows real consideration. It was a kind thing to do."

Genuine and helpful praise takes thought and ingenuity. It is a skill which takes practice in order to fully accomplish its extraordinary potential. This is not said to complicate something which should come naturally to parents - it is a plea to take something important and understand its deeper impact - and harness it.

The first example we opened with - "You are so kind!" - is praise which evaluates and judges. Really, it is too much to bear. It might feel threatening. It invites embarrassment and denial. We know that from experience. If we are told, "You are a wonderful mother/father," we can not realistically accept the honour. We feel a fraud. We certainly didn't feel wonderful when we snapped at our little one over breakfast because they spilled the juice. And we know we will do it again. So, we feel forced into a corner by such blinding praise, either to deny the accolade, or timidly accept it while privately rejecting it.

If we find it difficult to juggle such emotions, I wonder how a child must feel?

For praise to be genuinely effective, this is what we, as parents, can do: Describe what you see. Describe the child's efforts and achievements. Describe how it makes you feel. Give the praiseworthy action a name if necessary. As a result, our child will naturally draw positive inferences from our words. He will, in effect praise himself.

"Wow. You stood that narrow brick on its end. That requires a steady hand."

"You were quiet during almost all of my telephone conversation with Grandma. That takes real self-control, and I really appreciated it."

Or, with our opening example: "You gave your sister a hug when she was crying. That shows kindness."

Parents trust that the second part of the process will naturally take place - our child will learn to praise themself. This is a truly valuable aspect of praise. It teaches our children not to rely on other people's words and attitude to give them validity. They are learning to tell themselves that what they are doing is praiseworthy. This goes a long way to building strength and self-worth in our children.

We can see that praising in this way uses these three powerful qualities: Empathy understands how praise that evaluates might have a detrimental effect. Patience is needed for us to hesitate before praising in order to do so with the right words - to describe effectively. Respect believes that the child is capable of drawing their own positive inferences from our description.

So, why not give it a go right now? Imagine your two-year-old child presents you with this:

"Look, Mummy!"

What could you say?

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Killer Flagship Content - A One-Stop-Shop For All Your Aspirational Blogging Needs?

2007-02-12T21:27:00.000Z

If you would like to have a summary of all the blogging tips you might ever need - and a few more - brought together in one easily-manageable form, you can't really do much better than Chris Garrett's Killer Flagship Content. Additionally, it's in PDF, so you can read it offline, at your leisure. The flip-side of this is that you might find yourself wishing it was available online where you could bookmark it and refer to it anytime, anywhere.

The idea of "flagship content" is not new. It has been referred to as "pillar articles" and "core" material. Where Chris Garrett's ebook becomes useful, though, is in its bringing together several reference points, and combining them into a concise and distilled resource. Pillar articles are often mentioned in passing as part of a body of suggestions. Garrett takes this one extremely practical idea and builds a whole booklet out of it. It is certainly evangelistic and enthusiastic - he writes with passion and commitment.

The occasional sentence jars, but on the whole it is eminently readable and highly motivational. With his use of relaxed terms like "Hmm" and "let's see," his manner is plainly conversational. He tries to speak directly to you. Beginners might hesitate because they are addressed in one short section before attention is turned to "old hands," but, all the same, the section on where to find flagship content and how to develop it is extremely useful for any reader. Experts and veterans, those who have been blogging for long enough to have built up an archive full of "nuggets", are given a wake-up call to reinvigorate their blog, a reminder to focus. Newcomers - "newbies" (yuck!) - might feel a little overawed, but there is plenty to glean from such accessible material as 10 Instant Flagship Content Ideas.

He certainly practices what he preaches - just about every box is ticked in the Critical Success Factors. Making it a PDF download is a bold attempt to lift it above all the other advice available; the title - Killer Flagship Content (KFC, anyone?) - is a hook you could hang a boat on; chrisg.com is an easily digestible brand name, and you are sure to see many blogging tips websites pointing you in the direction of this book. Garrett is obviously experienced, he knows his chops, but with a deft touch. The way he drops in a story about an old client and his million-dollar media exposure is done with such agility, it's only on re-reading that it sinks in.

It feels a little bit cheeky having to subscribe to the RSS feed in order to gain access to the free ebook - especially after advocating the "no-barriers" stance - but let me assure you, once you start receiving Garrett's blogging tips and information, you will quickly forgive him the demand. His writing is personal, outspoken, and compelling. He is unafraid to buck the trend, and that is both refreshing and extremely motivating. Within a day he had me pulling the plug on blogrolls. Call me stupid - he's been blogging for ages, built up a network of friends and connections, and here's me, barely been born on the blogging scene, and I'm cutting the cord on a list of connections I am only just starting to make. But I did it nonetheless. That's how persuasive he is. I know I'll be on the lookout for any more material he produces.

For any aspiring blogger, or for any "old hands", Killer Flagship Content is sure to be a resource you find yourself going back to again and again.

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The Weekest Links

2007-02-11T15:59:00.000Z

I didn't think I would be posting anything this week. But at the last moment I found one or two good pieces:

This puts a lie to what I have just written because I read Karen's moving experience earlier in the week, and even then I really wanted to pass it on. Just read it for yourself, and witness a Mother at the fine work of raising a mensch. She looks for a way to help her daughter, and then involves her in the preparation. It is inspiring. Dolphin Dreams

Ainslie's What Makes A Successful Blog at Webgazette, is one of the most encouraging articles I have read on the subject. The author reminds us that many quick-rising bloggers had a foot up, but for the rest of us, "A readership takes time to build, so you better be in it for the long run."

I don't think I'm going to be making any apology for following Chris Garret's call to arms. He makes a compulsive case: Another Good Reason to NOT Have A Blogroll. But, wait a minute, "Another" good reason? What's the other good reasons? Are there lots of good reasons not to have a blogroll? Tell me. I'm trapped in follow-every-suggestion hell here and I need to be released!

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10 Blogging Goals For 2007

2007-02-11T07:02:00.000Z

I set these goals out in answer to a post by Daniel at Daily Blog Tips. It took me so long to find them again that I reckoned it was a wise thing to place a post here - like a public declaration.

1. Keep posting regularly - at least four times a week. So, by the end of the year I should have more than 200 posts.

2. Write “pillar” articles. One a week, if possible, but I would be quite happy if I had about 30 in place by the end of the year.

3. Improve writing skills.

4. Build profile through interaction with other bloggers.

5. Improve website know-how/skills. I still feel as if I'm grubbling around in the dark. The main thing I'm concerned about is my blog address not being under my domain name. You can still find me at hamelife, but then the blog is another click away. So, does that really matter? You can see how this keeps me awake at night.

6. Get into double figures in blogtopsites.com/parents. Triple figures at the moment and dropping like a rock! Kate's post on Tea Tree Oil did shoot us up for a day, but it would be nice to stay there.

7. Get noticed by Google through keywords alone.

8. Have a steady upward incline in Google stats.

9. To convincingly NOT be concerned with stats! Try only to check at the end of each month. No peeking prior to that, to avoid premature depression. Depression at the predetermined times = allowable…momentarily.

10. Get my James Kim outcry post noticed. Although I did want to make the number up to 10, I kinda mean it. I was truly shocked by the level of bile I witnessed over at digg.

Okay - let's see where we are in 12 months time.

And, of course, if anyone has any helpful advice and suggestions please feel free to comment.

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A Trunkful Of Trafficking Tips

2007-02-10T08:19:00.000Z

Recently, Daniel at Daily Blog Tips had a project asking readers to suggest tips on how they draw traffic to their blog. These were the results:

1. Translate Your Pages
We'll give Daniel the first shout: "A simple tip that will probably boost your page views: I decided to use a paid plugin for this, but if I am not wrong there are some free ones as well. The translation is not very good, as you can imagine, but it helps to attract readers that are not fluent in English."

2. Social Networking
Kat, at The Secret Life Of Kat, "I've recently gotten involved with several MySpace-like community sites that focus on my target audience. I share my thoughts in their forums, post intros to my real blog on their system blog and I've even created a group for my specific niche. It's been very, very successful for me.

3. Reference The Top Ten Blogs In Your Niche
Tillerman, writing Proper Course, has this interesting suggestion to make: "Be the first to write a post about the Top Ten Blogs in your niche. The post will rank highly in any general search for blogs in your niche and other bloggers in your niche write about the post and link to it."

4. Design Makeover
Eric Atkins encourages bloggers not to allow the look of their site to get stale. "Create a new design for your website. Not only will it be more attractive to your regular readers, but you can submit it to some CSS gallery showcase sites that feature great designs. This will give you exposure on those sites while generating a lot of traffic and backlinks from those types of sites."

5. MyBlogLog
Bigging-up the relatively new phenomenon that is MyBlogLog, Sridhar Katakam says, "Keep track of blogs and leave comments on them. How do you know which blogs to keep track of in the first place? Add the MyBlogLog widget/code to your blog. When you notice a MyBlogLog user visiting your blog, visit that person’s in turn.
Shankar Ganesh adds: "Just browse around MyBlogLog.com and you will surely get visitors to your blog."

6. Reach Out
Dennis Coughlin, who writes Cherry Street, encourages bloggers to be pro-active. "Find the best blogs on your niche and contact the authors. Introduce yourself and send a link of your blog. This might help them to discover your blog, read it and possibly link to it."

7. Have The Community Spirit
Guido, of Nooby, kicks off this popular tip by saying, "Comment on blogs, write useful content, and make good friends on forums."

Nick, who writes Kholem adds: "Participating in forums is a great way to get loyal readers. Either link baiting people in your signature or posting great advice and tips will give you high quality traffic, which will result in return visitors."

Jester, or is that "The" Jester? over at Jestertunes also stresses commenting. "Leave comments on other blogs. If you're already reading them, it takes just a couple of seconds to leave a message agreeing or disagreeing with the author, you get to leave a link to your site, and you will almost ALWAYS get traffic from your comments."

Brian Auer at Epic Edits Weblog, added some statistics to the discussion: "According to my Google Analytics, about 35% of my traffic comes from other people's blogs and 25% comes from the forums I'm active with, while search engines provide about 15%. I post comments on other blogs that are related to mine, and I post my site link in my signature at the forums."

Engtech summed the whole discussion up in this way: "It’s one word, but it is the most important one when it comes to blogging. The only 'blog metric' that makes sense is the vibrant community of readers it has. Building a community around your blog will bring you increased traffic, but how do you start? The boilerplate response to building traffic is always 'SEO, social networking sites, and commenting on blogs', but it can be simplified to 'be part of a community'. The easiest way to seed your blog is with an already existing community. But the only way to do that is to be part of the community yourself."

8. Engage Your Audience
Megan Taylor, writer of SOJo, has an additional take on the community spirit - Be The Start Point: "Start conversations on your own blog. Don't just post about a story and leave it at that, engage your audience."

9. Be Polemic And Controversial
Grant Gerver at Serious Kidding says, "Try to be polemic. I write obsessively about all-things political from the left-wing perspective in the form of humorous, sarcastic one-liners."
KWiz at Women Walking In Wisdom's Footsteps adds, "Write something controversial. I don’t think it’s good to write something controversial just for the purpose of getting traffic necessarily (especially if it’s only for that purpose and you’re being disingenuous), but it works."

10. Newsgroups
Ramen Junkie - Lameazoid, cuts to the chase: "I always see a spike when I post a review to a newsgroup." 'Nuff said.

11. Write Valuable Material
Ian Delaney, who writes the intriguingly branded twopointouch, gets back to basics: "Nothing creates long-term traffic more than value. Making a post along the lines of ‘Evaluated resources for XYZ’ is useful. Useful things get linked to and they get onto del.icio.us, which is far better long-term than a digg front page."

12. Submit Articles
Splork, at Lost Ball In High Weeds, advises, "I’ve had good success writing articles and submitting them to EzineArticles. Articles that have been written from well-researched keyword phrases and accepted by EzineArticles tend to rank very high in Google for that search term. Placing anchor text in the footer of those articles so the reader can visit my relevant website has always increased my site traffic. "

13. Tap Into Your Archives
Alan Thomas, of The Daily Erg, reminds bloggers about their archives: "I just posted a roundup of all interviews I did over the past seven months. One of them generated a new link and a big traffic spike from a group of users that look like they will be loyal readers now. "

14. Group Writing Projects
Brandon Wood: "A simple trick I’ve used to increase traffic to my blog is participate in group writing projects. In fact, that’s what I’m doing right now."

15. Be Vibrant
George Manty of Can I Make Big Money Online exhorts, "Post 3-5 times a day. Use ping services like pingomatic or setting up wordpress to ping some of the ping services. Engage your readers. Put up polls, ask them questions, give them quizes, free tools, etc. Make them want to come back and tell their friends about you."

16. Demonstrate Your Expertise
Mark Alves, of Faithful Web, says, "Participate in Yahoo Answers and LinkedIn Answers where you can demonstrate your expertise, get associated with relevant keywords and put your URL out there."

17. Get Your Brand Out There
Andrew Timberlake, at All Passion Marketing, pushes branding: "A great tip for generating traffic is off-line by including your url in all your off-line liturature from business cards, letterheads, pamphlets, adverts through in-store signage if applicable. I even have our website on my vehicle."

18. Social Bookmarking
Vivien, at Inspirationbit: "Well, obviously everyone knows that social bookmarking sites like Digg, del.icio.us, etc. bring lots of traffic. But I’m now submitting some of my articles to blogg-buzz.com (a digg like site for bloggers), and I always get not a bad traffic from there."

19. Search Engines and Aggregators
Scott Townsend, at Creating Content, reminds us to "inform search engines and aggregators like Technorati (using the ping functionality) when your blog is updated, this should ensure maximum traffic coming from those sources."

20. Design Portals
Jen Gordon has this unusual suggestion: "I came upon some unexpected traffic when my blog popped up on some css design portals like www.cssmania.com and www.webcreme.com. If you can put some time into the concept behind and design for your blog, I'd recommend submitting your site to a design portal not only for additional traffic but to build an additional community around your site."

21. Squidoo
Chris, of Wallet Rehab, pushes Squidoo Lenses: "By using a lens, you can generate your own custom 'community' of webpages, including some of the more popular pages in your 'neighborhood.' Including your own webpage in such a list is a good way of generating traffic."

22. Simplify
Kyle, a guy who is passionate about software, and writes for Daptivate has this thought-provoking tip: "Pay attention to complex issues in your field of work. It may be a big long publication that is hard to wade through, or a concept that is hard to grasp. Reference it and make a shorter 'for dummies' version with your own lessons learned and relevant tips. When doing this, I have been surprised to find that the simplified post will appear before the more complex version in search results. Perhaps this is why it results in increased traffic; people looking for more help or clarification on the subject will land on your blog."

23. Trackbacks
Cory OBrien, at Didn't You Hear? "Read lots of other blogs. Leave trackbacks. Make sure your blog is optimized for search engines. Leverage social bookmarking sites like digg (both for new ideas and for traffic)."

24. Blog Carnivals
I added my suggestion, which was, "Submit articles to blog carnivals. Your article almost always gets posted, and it must generate a handful of visitors, at least."

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30 Ways - How Parents Can AVOID Exasperating Their Children

2007-02-09T06:44:00.000Z

Following the legendary tradition of large armies being trounced by small forces - think of 1 angel destroying 185,000 Assyrians, or Samson slaying 1000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass - we can overcome the 30 Ways That Parents Can Exasperate Their Children with just 3 powerful qualities: Empathy, Respect, and Patience. By their very nature, these three qualities overlap, but by so doing, they intertwine and bind together to form themselves into a formidable entity.

EMPATHY
Empathy is a difficult skill to master, but once we take a hold of it, it becomes our most powerful tool, with spectacular results. The best definition is this: Empathy is the ability to comprehend with accuracy the precise thoughts and motivations of other people - our children - in such a way that they would say, "Yes, that is exactly where I'm coming from." When we have this extraordinary knowledge, it helps us to accept without anger why our children act the way they do even though their actions may not be to our liking. Empathy is us, as parents, attempting to see the world through our child's eyes.

Empathy does not ask us to feel what a child feels. It does not necessarily demand that we have experienced what our child has experienced - in fact such an attitude can often serve as a hindrance. Life as a teenager fifteen or twenty years ago is not what it is now. "I know how you feel," is not helpful - nobody knows how another person feels because we are all different. Empathy simply asks us to understand and appreciate what our child is going through. Accept their feelings as real and, in so doing, we help them to cope. We can do this by listening with understanding, and giving a name to their feelings when the occasion warrants it.

Though we might have to limit some unacceptable actions, we can certainly accept all of a child's feelings. Helping them recognize their real feelings, even negative ones, is a real benefit to them. Feelings are not right or wrong. Feelings just are. How we deal with them is what counts. Empathy helps us understand ambivalence - that more than one feeling can be experienced at the same time, or that a young mind can change in an instant. We understand that feelings are unique to each child. Showing empathy builds up our child's confidence, enabling them to trust their own feelings and their own abilities. It doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with them, but it tells them their feelings are important. Their feelings matter, they don't shock or frighten us. This will produce children who feel heard and understood.

There is great strength and deep security in realizing, "My parents understand."

RESPECT
Respect is a wonderful thing. When defined it takes on a compelling shape. Respect is "the condition of being honoured or esteemed; an attitude of admiration; A courteous expression of esteem". Esteem is "a feeling of delighted approval and liking." So, respect is found in our attitude and our expressions. It tells our children that we don't just love them, we like them. It lets them know that they have our approval. We can see that giving our children such respect is going to fill them with confidence and personal strength.

Children are people. They are individuals. It may seem like an obvious statement to make, but, as parents, we occasionally need to be reminded. It means we know that our young ones are striking out on their own and seeking independence, and we are there to help them do that. We do not want to stifle it or hold it back.

When we respect our children as individuals in their own right we are more likely to avoid words that evaluate, or judge. We describe what we see and feel, from praise to anger to criticism. We focus on actions and solutions, not personality. Rather than pointing out what is wrong with a child - calling him a liar to make him honest, lazy to make him industrious - we treat a child as if he already is what he is capable of becoming.

Respect allows our children to work out solutions for themselves. As Dr Ginott would say: Don't just do something. Stand there. It does not need to shield them from unhappiness and disappointment, but gives them space to face these tribulations, and persevere. Then they are able to say to themselves, "Mum and Dad believe in me. They trust that I can endure, that I can cope."

Respect listens to a child's point of view without ridiculing or belittling. It allows a child privacy, a place for their own private thoughts. It gives children room for change and growth, rather than pigeon-holing with a role or a label.

PATIENCE
It takes patience to stand back and allow a child time to accomplish a seemingly simple task - tying a lace, putting a shoe on the right foot, unzipping a coat. It takes patience to allow a child to make the same mistake time and time again. It takes patience to believe that a child is not just being willfully disobedient, but is quite simply at a time in their life when they are eager to have more independence and yet they are struggling with the notion of what to do with it.

Patience understands a small child's ambivalence as he seeks for independence and yet shys away from it, fears it. It understands his mood swings as he tries to navigate the difficult waters of growing up. Patience does not mean that we never get angry - that would be unreasonable - but it does mean that even in our anger we remain respectful.

Patience will allow us to talk less and listen more. It will counteract our fear of letting go, of giving children room to make mistakes, fight and disagree.

Patience appreciates that curiosity develops quicker than memory. It believes that a child will learn...eventually, whilst accepting that it may take repeating something hundreds of times.

Children model themselves on their parents, they do most of their social learning from their parents. They will take in every detail of what we are like as a person - not just of what we are like with them, but with other people as well. They will not do as we say, they will do as we do. It is not only our tone of voice or reassurance of love that is important - it is the words we use and the actions we take. We want to demonstrate the kind of respectful communication we hope our children will use with themselves and with other people - now, as teenagers and as adults. If we conduct ourselves with Empathy, Respect, and Patience, then these are the qualities that our child will develop.

Parents are in the honourable position of helping their child grow into a respectful and patient adult who is aware of other people's feelings. This is indeed a noble pursuit.

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30 Ways That Parents Can Exasperate Their Children (Part 3)

2007-02-08T07:00:00.000Z

21. Over-permissiveness
Parents must be fair and set good examples, but children need regulations and discipline. A growing child needs a sense of boundaries and limits. If parents condone wrongdoing in their children, they are bound to lose the children’s respect. As parents, we may later find that we have compromised the line of communication.

22. Lack of Headship
When the father - or other significant adult - lives up to his responsibility, the whole family is drawn closer together and strengthened. When parents give in to children, or rely too much on their child's giving of love, if they are scared of losing their child's love and affection, or if they are scared of upsetting them, the child might end up assuming the position of head of the house, "ruling the roost", as it were. It is a position the child does not want and emotionally cannot handle.

23. Inconsistent Discipline
This can consist of disciple that bears little or no relation to the crime being punished - it might include the naughty step, or naughty chair. It can include meting out discipline for a misdemeanour one time, and then not doing so when the same thing is repeated. It does not mean we cannot listen to our child, and our instincts, and sometimes make an exception.

24. Public Discipline
Punishment by ridicule before friends makes the child downhearted, even hostile. It is embarrassing and annoying for children to be disciplined in front of people, the danger being that it is done for the benefit of onlookers rather than the child. As parents we do not want to be viewed as "letting them get away with it" and this is a moment that can tax our determination not to expose our child to public shame and humiliation.

Demanding good manners in a public forum can be demeaning to children, and an affront - "Say 'Thank You' to Auntie (Whoever)" or "What do you say?" Of course, we want our children to be polite, so this is another challenging area for parents.

Chastising children in front of their friends, reminding them about an assignment, finger-wagging, can all be terribly embarrassing for a youngster.

25. Hypocrisy
It is irritating and frustrating for children to be told that they should be kind and considerate, and yet they see their parents argue, gossip, act rudely, or get easily upset. Can they be blamed if they act in the same manner? Children can spot hypocrisy from a long way. They are not so young that they cannot spot double standards in adults. As an example: The grown-up who smokes, but fumes when they discover their child smoking.

26. Self-righteousness
This invitation to battle is closely allied with hypocrisy. How can it fail to be. When we demand certain standards we will soon find ourselves unable to meet them. Self-righteousness shows itself in parents ability to lecture and moralise. Going on and on about something. Needing to appear as if we never do a thing wrong, and yet pointing out wrong-doing in others. A self-righteous attitude may not be demonstrated against our children, but if they hear us speaking in a self-righteous way about others this might have a detrimental effect.

27. Passive Aggression
This emotion can often be seen when we act against our better judgment. Then we have pent up feelings of anger which seep out into our activities. We might say we'll do something when we don't feel like it, and then sabotage efforts to get ready. Or allow the irritation to build up within us, until it explodes into something else entirely. A good rule of thumb: We can be a little bit nicer than we feel, but not much.

28. Absenteeism
If we disappear from our children’s lives, if our job routinely takes us away from the family home for days, weeks or months, we cannot be surprised that our children will react negatively. Not only will we exasperate them but we may well undermine their self-worth, making them feel unloved and unlovable.

29. Lack of Self-Control
A lack of self-control is not just seen in an ability to get angry quickly, reacting to the merest hint of wrong-doing. It is not only seen in an overindulgence in alcohol or some other habit. A lack of self-control can be seen in a variety of areas, it manifests itself as a general character trait. Self-control is the ability to say "no" to yourself, to be self-disciplined. The parent who lacks self-control, cannot be surprised if he has a child who resists discipline.

30. Spiritual Neglect
Children are curious. They want answers. At some point, they are going to want answers to the big questions in life: "Who are we? Why are we here? What is the purpose of life?" Parents who avoid these questions, or show that such things are unimportant to them, could find themselves with difficulty at home, especially through the teenage years, when young adults are at their most vulnerable.

Part 1
Part 2

Further Reading
Between Parent & Child and Between Parent & Teenager Dr Haim G Ginott
Liberated Parents, Liberated Children and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.
Find them all at Books

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Time To Come Clean?

2007-02-07T15:45:00.000Z

I would be ashamed to tell you how much I spend on soap. Not, purely, because it is an indulgence but because I am concerned about the chemicals etc which are in cheaper, commercial bars. So I grit my teeth and spend three times as much on a small, admittedly nice, essential oil based, chemical free bar from the local health shop. I have to wonder if it would be cheaper to make my own, so I was very interested to see a lively and informative discussion over at Money Saving Expert

The Old Style board is a great source of inspiration for saving money and often our environment, both immediate and global, in the process.

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Sleep

2007-02-07T06:09:00.000Z

zzzzzzzzzzzww

30 Ways That Parents Can Exasperate Their Children

Carnival Of Good Stuff #2

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And I Thought I Was Safe With Essential Oils #2: Defending Tea Tree Oil

2007-02-06T16:41:00.000Z

This is a follow-up newsletter I received yesterday in response to the Tea Tree and Lavender article. I agree with Mr Neustaedter that we should hear all sides, so I am posting the email I received:

Natural Health Newsletter
Randall Neustaedter OMD

Defending tea tree oil
In response to the newsletter article I wrote reporting on the suspected connection between lavender and tea tree oils and the occurrence of breast swelling in three young boys, I received the following text from a manufacturer of tea tree oil products. I have edited the response and not attributed it, because it was not intended for mass distribution. However, I feel it is important to present as many perspectives as possible on this issue so that consumers can make informed decisions.

Here is the article I posted a few days ago.

Here is the response:

When we first received word of this study, we contacted Dr. Derek Henley, the lead author of the research, who works at the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences. Dr. Henley told us that this issue first came to his attention when Dr. Clifford Bloch, a pediatric endocrinologist in Denver, Colorado, reported that he had treated three young boys within a short period of time who had symptoms of prepubertal gynecomastia (enlarged breast tissue in young boys). Bloch thought that was unusual because he normally only sees about one case of prepubertal gynecomastia a year. In the course of his treatment of these patients, Bloch discovered that all of the boys had been using products that contained lavender oil. Bloch told us that the source of lavender oil for one of the boys had been a Paul Mitchell hair gel and shampoo that contained both lavender oil AND tea tree oil. For some unknown reason Bloch decided to include tea tree oil in his write-up even though lavender oil was the only common ingredient used in the products of all three boys. We did a chemical analysis of the Paul Mitchell hair gel and shampoo in question and found that tea tree oil was barely detectable in the hair gel and a very low concentration in the shampoo.

When they received this information from Bloch, Henley and Kenneth Korach, both researchers at the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, performed test tube experiments of the effects of lavender oil on breast cancer cells. They also decided to test tea tree oil because of Dr. Bloch's request. They observed that both oils exhibited estrogen-like qualities on the cells. At the annual meeting of the National Endocrine Society held in Boston in June 2006, Henley reported the results of the research, which was subsequently published on February 1 , 2007. What Henley's report failed to mention is that there are literally thousands of harmless natural oils and other natural plant substances that exhibit similar estrogen-like qualities when applied directly to a cell culture. Just a few common examples of products that have similar effects as tea tree oil in similar tests are: soy, hops, garbanzo beans, red clover, lentils, flaxseed, sunflower seeds, alfalfa sprouts, licorice, and ginseng.

Dr. Henley told us that while he was being interviewed by reporters about the report, he had the definite impression that they were trying to get him to say that lavender oil and tea tree oil cause gynecomastia so that they could publish a headline that these products should not be used. Henley told us that he was concerned about how the stories had come out as they just took portions of what he said instead of publishing everything he said. Henley emphasized to us that the research does not conclude that either lavender oil or tea tree oil are the direct cause of the gynecomastia in the young boys, but that there may be a correlation. He pointed out that the only common ingredient among all of the products used by the patients was lavender oil and that only one boy had used a product that contained both lavender oil and tea tree oil. In his report Henley cautioned patients of prepubertal gynecomastia to avoid repeat exposure to these essential oils, but in our phone interview he said there is not nearly enough evidence to indicate that people should stop using products with lavender oil or tea tree oil, even young boys.

We believe that these news reports based on this very simple cell culture assay are very misleading.

First, the study does not support a scientific conclusion because there is no connection between the cell culture on tea tree oil and the one boy who used a hair gel and shampoo containing tea tree oil. Both products also had lavender oil, and when tested in a lab the tea tree oil content was virtually undetectable in the hair gel and at very low concentrations in the shampoo, which Dr. Henley informed us was Paul Mitchell Tea Tree Shampoo.

Second, thousands of plant-derived compounds have the same estrogen-like impact in a cell culture, including food products that millions of people around the world ingest every day like soy, hops, garbanzo beans, red clover, lentils, flaxseed, sunflower seeds, alfalfa sprouts, licorice, ginseng and many others.

Third, rather than use the coincidental story of a single boy, it seems that it would be more appropriate and much more responsible to report the results of millions of users of Melaleuca Oil. Considering the millions of products sold with tea tree oil each year, if there was any truth at all to this unsupported theory it seems that Melaleuca would see a common occurrence of prepubertal gynecomastia in young boys. Instead we have never received a single report! Not one! Ever!

Fourth, all 3 boys lived in the Denver area, yet no other environmental or health factors were considered.

Fifth, the study reports that there are other components in these products that may contribute the gynecomastia that were not tested, including other essential oils in the products the boys were using. The only common essential oil in these products was lavender oil, yet the researchers chose to include tea tree oil in their report and tested no other ingredients in these products.

It seems very odd to us that tea tree oil was even mentioned in this story. It appears that lavender oil is the only common substance used by the three boys in question. It appears that the only reason that tea tree oil was mentioned in the story was because the source of lavender for one of the three boys was Paul Mitchell Tea Tree Hair Gel and Shampoo. There does not appear to be any evidence whatsoever that the symptoms of that one boy had anything to do with tea tree oil.

It is absurd to us why, when one young boy presents with gynecomastia, and it is learned he used a Paul Mitchell shampoo and hair gel, it is suspected that tea tree oil caused his condition. That shampoo has many other ingredients other than tea tree oil, including lavender! In fact, all three boys had used products containing lavender . We can understand why lavender would be suspect, but it is an almost impossible leap of judgment to conclude that tea tree oil had anything to do with the problem.

That said, it is difficult to shut off or change a story once it gets started. Nevertheless, perhaps the most convincing data that we have is that after selling over 123 million bottles of product containing Melaleuca Oil, we have never had a single case of gynecomastia reported to us. It is apparent that the researchers in this case got more than a bit carried away in their effort to link tea tree oil to the story there appears to be no relationship whatsoever.

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30 Ways That Parents Can Exasperate Their Children (Part 2)

2007-02-06T05:11:00.000Z

11. Praise
It seems as though praise of any kind would be a good thing. However, broad, unspecific praise - "You are such a good boy", "You are always so kind to your sister" - could result in tension and misbehaviour. A child may not be able to accept this kind of praise because his own idea of himself is quite different. Try it on yourself: "You're a great father!" How do you deal with that? You didn't feel so great when you snubbed your child because you wanted to complete some task, or you unthinkingly called him a name. And you know it probably won't be the last time you do it. Now imagine a child trying to cope with those feelings.

On the other hand, a lack of praise can also lead to insecurity. Sometimes praising in a new way, or praising at all, can take a conscious re-education of the way we parents think and speak. We have to find a more insightful method of praise, one which draws attention to the child's accomplishments, rather than his personality.

12. Comparing
Comparing to a sibling. Comparing to others at school. Comparing to ourselves as parents. The danger with making comparisons is that it can lead to competition, and experience tells us that intense competition can lead to physical symptoms, emotional troubles, anxiety and hostility. As parents, we want our homes to be havens from this kind of stress.

13. Ignoring Uniqueness
Ignoring uniqueness is not the same as comparing, but it is closely allied with it. It differs, though, in object. Wise parents likewise find ways to express appreciation for each child’s unique qualities, abilities, and accomplishments.

14. Not Respecting Their Struggle
One way to exasperate children is to fail to understand their daily problems and tests.
Growing up is hard work, learning how to do things, how to cope. When parents express how easy certain tasks are – even the ones easy for us, like buttoning a coat, or getting the lid off something – it can be exasperating for children. Homework is not that easy, learning to play the piano or guitar is not that easy.

15. Not Listening
Communication is a two-way discussion. Parents cannot really get to know their children’s needs unless they listen to them. If parents constantly tell children what to do without encouraging them to express themselves, their children may become less and less willing to communicate.

16. Being unreasonable
Are we flexible? Open to discussion? Can we be reasoned with, so that if a child feels that something is unfair, we are approachable and can reason on a matter, perhaps even changing our mind or making an exception to a rule. The inability to do this - the "my way or the highway" approach on all matters - is likely to cause warfare and rebellion in the house.

17. Silent Treatment
Sometimes we need to be silent. Sometimes we feel angry about something, and need moments of silence to collect our thoughts, or even to let the young child recognise that what they have said or done is unacceptable – it has caused a grievance. The danger comes when we use silence as a weapon. Filling the house with an unsettling atmosphere of power and fear.

18. Quick to Anger
Do we fly off the handle quickly? Are the children scared to do anything because of our wrath? Do they need to tiptoe around us lest they set us off?

19. Withholding Independence
Right from the start children naturally desire more independence. This manifests itself from a very early age - putting on their own shoes, taking off their coat, which may be painfully slow to the adult trying to get out the door. However, when a child is often prevented from engaging in activities and assuming responsibilities for which they are ready, this can lead to frustration and resentment

20. Unrealistically High Standards
Being constantly put down by a parent or being measured by unrealistically high standards can be exasperating for children. The inability to live up to high parental expectations could cause significant loss of self-esteem. Our children need to feel it is safe to come to us when they have failed at something, or when something is making them unhappy.

Part 1

(Part 3 on Thursday)

Further Reading
Between Parent & Child and Between Parent & Teenager Dr Haim G Ginott
Liberated Parents, Liberated Children and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.
Find them all at Books

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30 Ways That Parents Can Exasperate Their Children (Part 1)

2007-02-05T06:11:00.000Z

To exasperate means to "stir up". To frustrate, vex, annoy or make angry. There might be battles, children with parents; there might be struggles within. If we find that we are warring with our children - fighting battles with them on the home front, or if we see signs of unhappiness, or difficulty, we might discover that one or more of these 30 Ways is the cause:

1. Physical Abuse
Nobody would argue that harsh physical abuse is a one way ticket to a broken child, but physical abuse is so much broader. It ranges in anything from violent beating to repeated hitting. Parental authority should never be abusive. No child should ever be subjected to cruel punishment. Physical violence has no place in the family. A parent needs to ask themselves what their discipline accomplishes and be concerned about the after affects. No child should feel frightened or abandoned, or that they are inherently wicked.

There is a very strong argument that says that there should never be a raised hand to a child - be it a spanking, a caning, use of the hair-brush or slipper.

Being sent to boarding school, I was subjected to corporal punishment, several times subjected to the cane and leather strap. There are some who have the, "it didn't do me any harm" view, but I can not subscribe to that. It did me a lot of harm, affecting my self-esteem and my view of authority. I harboured feelings of resentment and revenge. In my young mind I wouldn't have cared if some of those masters had met an untimely demise. This is not a feeling I would want any child to have to deal with.

2. Verbal Abuse
Words Are Powerful. The written word carries much weight, but the spoken word is extremely powerful. Words can embolden and strengthen - but words can also cut like knives. When there is little thought given to how words might affect a child, we could be in danger of saying things which could harm our young ones. Given the more definitive list of fractious words that gain entry to these 30 Ways, this point is somewhat broader. It might include the snarled "Come on!" to the child lagging behind, the hissed "Shut up!" to a child who is too loud for comfort. The gradual wearing down of a little one's spirit, the relentless chip, chip, chipping away at their self-esteem. The Chinese speak of Death By A Thousand Cuts, and verbal abuse in all its forms could result in the decline of out children's self worth and desire.

I wonder whether this would include words said in jest, or teasing. If a young child declares, “I want to be a surgeon," is she met with, "You can't even cut the bread straight. Did you not see the mess you made of the play dough?" Or the young boy who dreams, "I want to be a fireman!" Is he ribbed, "But you can't even hit the toilet!" Surely these would be examples of taking away a child's hopes and dreams, and that is not something we, as parents, would want to do.

Perhaps it is best if jokes are left in the playground. A child needs to return home to a safe haven, knowing that everything said at school can be taken light-heartedly because, at least at home, Mum and Dad believe in me.

In summary: A parent who uses abusive and hurtful speech may raise an angry child, who in turn may grow up to become an adult full of rage. I don't think anyone would argue that children who are continually screamed at and subjected to psychological indignities, emotionally battered and constantly criticized are having their spirit destroyed.

3. Name-calling
Surely it would be best for parents to refrain from calling their children names. Idiot, dolt, clot, chump, stupid and names of this sort are the mental equivalent of water torture. It might be funny to begin with, but before long it begins to irritate, then aggravate, then anger. I also wonder whether some terms of endearment might be guarded against. Names that we think of as affectionate, might be too much for children to bear. Prince or Princess - more especially, "My Prince/Princess" - terms that might become a habit for us, can begin to irk. I said to my daughter, "Hey, Gorgeous," and, at two-and-a-bit, she replied, "I'm not gorgeous." For me, I had to take that seriously, not question it, or argue it, just cut back or refrain.

It made me think that we need to be careful of terms that we understand, but are alien to our children, or terms that might be misunderstood. I still remember being called "pointy-head". I have lived with it for years. Only recently I looked it up, and it discovered that it's a reference to being intelligent. However, I know that it was one of those witty reverse-name type things, like when you call a tall child "Titch". And even if it wasn't, it doesn't alter my perception of it. I wonder why a person should have to live with something as simple as name-calling for so long? It is evident to me that the names we call our children – even when we stop using them, can very easily be picked up and continued by them.

4. Labeling
Name-calling can easily turn into labeling. We should not underestimate the power of our words. Children may call each other "stupid" and know it is a joke, but when your mother, father or teacher calls you stupid, then you think it's true because they ought to know. Labeling a child’s personality could be a factor in a teenager’s low self-esteem, depression and non-communication.

Is our child "lazy", or "clumsy", "shy", or "sensitive"? Have we considered that we could be prompting a self-fulfilling prophecy? If we see our child in a particular role, then we could be inviting the danger of the child adopting the role by default

We might not label them to their face – a tragedy of great proportions – but if we see our child in that role, privately labeling them in some way, then it will make itself known in one way or another. Our child will pick up the vibes, the signals, and and this could cause them to begin to wilt under the branding.

5. Sarcasm
It has been called a sound barrier to learning. The trouble with sarcasm is its invitation to a stinging comeback. It might stir children to a preoccupation with revenge fantasies. There is confusion, resentment, a feeling of being made fun of. Are any of these mental challenges welcome in a family home?

6. Nagging
The connection has been made that parents who habitually make mountains out of molehills, nagging their children mercilessly about trivial matters, are inevitably going to have children who not only lie but are good at it. Habitual, long-winded, or cruel nagging rarely stops the children from doing the things they’re being nagged about. It could, however, stop the children from taking responsibility for their own actions.

This might include the relentless words of warning – every pen or pencil picked up is accompanied with the reminder not to write on walls, or not to run with it. Every plug socket is dangerous, every radiator and oven is hot, every step taken is with a charge to "be careful". Perhaps, all a child is thinking is "nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag."

If we have a nagging suspicion that we are nagging - we probably are.

7. Threats and Bribery
"If...then...", "Wait 'til your father gets home." Predictions on how a child will turn out if they pursue a certain course. "You'll never get anywhere with grades like that." "You'll never if you...", "If you carry on behaving like that you'll end up in prison." Promising a child a beating or some other punishment. Counting - to whatever number - is perceived as a threat. Threats are very likely to be met with the defiant retort – spoken or not – "Let's see you try."

Bribery is the promise of some reward if something is accomplished. Sweets for good behaviour. The problem with this could be the child only doing something because of the promise of reward. The added danger of "If..." is the message it sends: "I don't think you can." This might, in turn, lead to a child's doubting their own abilities.

Above all, a child should never be threatened with abandonment. It can be too easy to let slip, "Okay, well you stay here then. We're going." Or jokingly, "Right, I'm calling the removal people, and they will come and take you away." Threats like this unnecessarily draw on a child's fear of being abandoned.

8. Blaming and Accusing
"You're always answering back", "you never listen", "You are a real embarrassment to me." Phrases like these could encourage an atmosphere of blame and accusation. They focus on the individual, rather than the problem to be addressed.

Blaming and accusing would also include those questions which could be described as The Invitation To Lie: The parent knows the answer to something, yet they ask their child about it to see what answer they get. It can be confusing and irritating for a young one to be faced with this no-win situation. "Who did it?" is also a question which rarely has a satisfactory outcome.

9. Fault-finding, Being Overly Critical
When our child makes an effort at something, do we first point out the flaws? When the child puts on their own shoes: "Oh, you've got them on the wrong feet." Every defect must be highlighted. The child successfully feeding themselves is told, "Look at you, you've got it all down your front, you messy little thing." The result could be children who are frightened of taking any kind of spontaneous action, helpful included, because they worry that their parents will find some fault in what they have done. They might be criticized, or even punished. Criticism by parents might lead to deep-seated insecurity, or play a part in developing a child's shyness.

10. Rules, Rules, and More Rules
Do we have rules for everything? Rules which then have to be adhered to, repeated and barked. Rules which tie down and constrain. Rules which have to be explained and numbered. Rules which make living at home seem like living under a dictatorship, under the family society. Already I feel hemmed in and unable to breath. At the same time, children need boundaries, which means that their parents need to set rules and sometimes enforce these rules by discipline. Even so, children must be helped progressively to see the underlying reason for these rules: their parents love them.

Part 2
Part 3

Further Reading
Between Parent & Child and Between Parent & Teenager Dr Haim G Ginott
Liberated Parents, Liberated Children and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.
Find them all at Books

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These Are The Weekest Links

2007-02-04T14:59:00.000Z

Terrible pun in the Title aside, if you're wondering why I've taken to writing a "Links" post, then you can blame this guy. He writes a pretty convincing case.

Anyhoo, these are some things I've enjoyed this week, if "enjoyed" is always the right expression.

Psychology Today reminded us that from childhood through adulthood, man will never understand woman. D'ya think?
Tiny Attractors: Boy Meets Girl and A Wink and a Smile

I was halfway through this post, The Biggest Question Any Blogger Must Answer, when I thought, "This is such good stuff, easy to read, applicable..." I checked who the writer was, and, Who else? Tony Hung. I like to go to Problogger for blogging tips, but I don't really find that it speaks to me personally. However, Darren Rowse made a contributor's coup when he hired this guy. His writing really hits the spot for me. I think he might be guesting every Friday. Whatever the case, he recently did a week's worth of writing for Problogger, and every post was a cracker. He has indexed those pages on his own blog, Deep Jive Interests. You can find them here: Index of Problogger Posts

Scary
"Scary" just doesn't do this experience justice. There should be a new word coined for this kind of terror. "I don't know if he wasn't watching where he was going or what, but I watched in horror as he ran right off the end of the dock." I can't recall reading anything quite so unnerving in a long time.

Early Learning - Hold Off On The Paranoia Ah, now, this was witty, wise and insightful. Pithy, and yet moving...oh, wait a minute, I wrote it. Ha! How about that!

And after all the discussion on whether or not to strike your child, I rediscovered this definitive essay by Penelope Leach. Spanking: A Shortcut To Nowhere

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And I Thought I Was Safe With Essential Oils

2007-02-03T15:58:00.000Z

I just received the following in my newsletter from Randall Neustaedter OMD and thought it was worth posting. His website www.cure-guide.com is a wealth of information - especially the article on the simple way to reduce the risk of SIDS, which everyone on the planet should read. In the meantime, what do you think of this:

Concerns about Tea Tree Oil and Lavender
A series of three cases of breast enlargement in prepubertal boys led clinicians to search for a cause (1). They discovered that each of the boys had been using topical applications of products that contained lavender and tea tree oils. The symptom resolved when the boys stopped using these products.
Particulars of the cases included a 4 year-old boy whose mother applied an herbal lotion containing lavender, a 7 year-old boy who used a lavender-scented soap and skin lotion, and a 10 year-old boy who used a shampoo and styling gel that contained tea tree oil and lavender. Breast swelling is not a normal symptom young boys and usually is caused by an internal or external estrogen source.
This led the clinicians to research the effects of the oils on human cells. They tested the two oils on breast cancer cells with estrogen and androgen receptors. They found that the oils did have estrogenic effects and also blocked the male hormone androgen, both of which could have caused the breast swelling in these boys.
Lavender (lavandula) and tea tree oil (melaleuca) are often added to lotions and bath products for children. Parents should be aware of the estrogen-like effects of these, and many other products. Petroleum derived perfumes and pesticides, plastics, and soy products all exhibit estrogen effects. The skin is a very good absorbent membrane for drugs and chemicals, so parents need to be cautious about the products they use on their children's skin. Babies are especially susceptible to the disruptive and toxic effects of drugs and harmful chemicals applied to the skin in lotions and sunscreens, because their immature livers have difficulty metabolizing these chemicals. Parents should therefore use safe sunscreens (zinc oxide), organic shampoos, lotions, and soaps, and stay away from prolonged use of products that contain lavender and tea tree oil.
Henley DV, et al. Prepubertal gynecomastia linked to lavender and tea tree oils. New England Journal of Medicine Feb 1, 2007; 356:479-485.

Hide And Seek - It's Not A Game, It's An Initiation

2007-02-02T06:20:00.000Z

Bethy crept into the room.

"You hiding?"

We were playing hide and seek.

Actually, that's not very fair on the wee thing. I had been running away from a dinosaur, and then just decided to duck down behind the piano. But hide and seek has been her favourite past-time over the last few days. So, you know, I was continuing the big game.

She hasn't really got the hang of it, though. When it's my turn to leave the room and count to ten - actually, about three would do the trick, to be honest with you, there aren't too many places to hide in our tiny homestead. But, as I was saying, when it's my turn to leave the room and count to ten, I turn around and she's right there. I can hear the pitter-pat of her tiny feet, and her not-very-stifled giggles. It's no challenge at all. I practically fall over her trying to get back into the room.

At least when it's my turn to hide I get some measure of return in the investment. Like I said, the cottage is not a mansion. There are not many choices of hiding place. Let's see now: Behind the door...behind the chair, pushed out to the middle of the room...bobbing down to the side of the piano...umm...side of the sofa. What was that? Four places? But they are four cool hiding places when your opponent is not yet two-and-a-half.

I push her out of the room and then dive behind the door. It's just long enough, because her counting to ten is 1-3-10. She pushes the door open and it bounces off my feet, almost clocking her on the back of the bonce, but she fails to notice. I can only last a moment, looking down at her curly blond head, as she scans the room for me, before I snort with laughter, and she "finds" me, with an open grin you could drive a car in to. Her eyes are so sparkly.

"Hide here." She says, beckoning me to the side of the sofa. And then she runs out of the living room, into the kitchen. I ignore her lamentable hiding place and opt instead for "going behind the chair". She nudges the door open - she always enters cautiously, clever girl - and then goes straight for the side of the sofa. Foolish assumption. I'm no milquetoast. The realisation dawns on her that Daddy has not hidden where she has told him to, and she turns around and looks about the room.

"Daddy! Where are you?"

I don't reveal myself immediately. Can't make it too easy on the little lady. She takes a step or two, on tip-toes, into the middle of the room, and lets out a quiet snuffle. I poke my head out from behind the chair, enough for her to notice it. She gives a startled laugh and runs over to my hiding place. And then gets in there with me! So, we were both hiding. We dug our elbows into each other's ribs, and bumped our noses trying to extricate ourselves.

"Want to read a book?" She asks, effectively ending the competition. Until next time.

There might be some danger of it all going a bit Clouseau/Cato. I heard her creaking down the stairs for breakfast the other day, so I ducked down behind the table. I saw the top of the door as it opened, I knew she would look straight away for my usual sitting place. But I wasn't there. I peeked out from behind the table and she suddenly saw me. There was an instant of halting shock on her face before she burst into nervous joyous laughter, and ran into my arms.

She was introduced to real terror, that morning. Lord, forgive me.

Carnival News

2007-02-01T21:45:00.000Z

Carnival Of Improvement 02 is up at The Probabilist. I am so thrilled to have Fear Comes Clad In Green Boots picked as a Top Five post.

Among the other entries are Beliefs by Craig Harper. It is powerful stuff, and reads like a beat poet riffing.

There is a whole day's worth of inspirational reading to be had.

Also on: Carnival of Natural Health at Medicinal Herbs.

Entertaining This Weekend? Cut Loose With The Cashews

2007-02-01T15:16:00.000Z

Leave the handy little bowl in the cupboard for a change. Wait till all your guests are sitting comfortably and then rip open a bag of cashews and dump them unceremoniously in the middle of the table. The right height is required for a pleasant scattering, and yet not too high lest you lose the desired nutty hillock. You might, of course need several bags to achieve an unappetizing heap. Or you could just go for a jumbo bag.

Alternatively, before serving, spread the nuts out and rummage through them with your bare hands, removing all the cretinous half-nuts and annoyingly shardy bits and pieces. You might need to pass the remaining nuts under some water to wash off all the unglamorous salt - it's quicker than popping each individual item into the mouth - although five or six can be managed at once, the only downside being the likelihood of scarfing the lot, leaving none for your guests. The added moistyness will assist in the toppermost nuts adhering to those below. And if this can't be managed, simply apply the tiniest dab of super glue to the necessary rebellious non-compliants. The added bonus: This will give one lucky recipient an enormous handful of savoury goodness. Smiles all round.

Don't Let Electronics Educate Your Infant

2007-02-01T06:27:00.000Z

Baby Frankenstein - Forbes Magazine

Really? Vtech and electronic gizmos are not the best way to give your children an education? Darn it! And I thought the 5 Essential Parenting "No-Needs" were completely IDIOT-proof.

Mater And Pater

2007-01-31T06:04:00.000Z

Sunday Lunch At The Bull

2007-01-30T05:35:00.000Z

Done it! You help me with my other shoe? Putting your coat on? Want to take Piglet. Walking. We're not going in the car. I like to walk. I think it's windy out here. I'm running! Where's Daddy going? Want to hold that? And that. I'm running. Daddy was hiding. I'm running away from a dog. I need a little bit of help. I'm not bumping my head. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 80, 40, 2. I'm counting houses. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 80, 40, 2. We getting out? There's a lady. There's a girl. I want my seat. There's a seat for me. She's cleaning it. I want my bowl. We having a prayer? She's bringing a bowl for me. Oh, yes please. More bread. I want your bread. I like meat. No 'hanks. I don't want it. Oh, I like it. But it's not nasty. Want to get down. Can I get down? You made up your mind? Can I have my drawing board? What is it? It is an owl. Want to draw an owl? It's a lion. Want to draw another lion? He's peeking out. Can I get down? Can you get me out? Can you move that? Ow, ow, ow. Want to go in there? Come with me, please. Hello. Boo. Oh, I'm running away from it, cos I'm scary. I'm scary of that man. I like 'hat man. I do like him. No, I don't want to see him. I think it is a man with his hand out on a goob. I want to go to the paddling pool. I can go to the paddling pool. Come on. It's f'eezing out here. There's the car. I found it! I found it! Hello, Piglet. There's the moon. I can see the moon in the daytime. Where's the moon? Moo-oon, moo-oon, where are you? There it is. I found it. It's moving. I'm hiding with my hoodie. Boo. Want to play with my play dough. I don't want music on. No, don't put music on. Want to put some music on?

Spanking - Why Many Parents Keep Seeking For A Better Way

2007-01-27T06:43:00.000Z

There has been plenty of discussion this week about spanking. Although the polls taken claimed that a high percentage do not spank their children, the majority of words spoken have been by those who do. Many would argue that spanking is not their first means of punishment, in fact it is kept as a last resort. Some would like to differentiate between smacking and "swatting" - giving their child a quick tap on the behind. And all vehemently stress that there is a world of difference between a reasonable spanking and an angry beating. There was not much to be found from those who will not lift a hand to their child under any circumstances.

I think the reason for this is that the non-spankers do not want to speak out too loudly lest they be seen as pointing an accusing finger at the parents who do spank as a form of discipline or punishment. Nobody wants to be made out to be some kind of criminal. A hand taken to the seat of the pants at the appropriate time is viewed as not being so terrible. Many parents say that they have found it can work wonders.

But a growing number are still looking for a better way.

We are aware that it is possible to spank a child into obedience. But the concern is this: Each time I spank him, am I also teaching him, 'When you're angry - hit?' Does anyone know of a child who was spanked into becoming a more loving human being?

And, if spanking is so effective, why do we have such an uneasy feeling about it? Are we really able to silence our inner doubts about the long term effects of physical punishment. Isn't there something inside of us that keeps saying, "Surely there is a better way."

A most compelling argument for not spanking is the suggestion that, by using physical punishment parents interfere with the development of the child's conscience. It relieves guilt too easily. It might even tempt wrong conduct because the child understands the consequences. Have you ever found yourself thinking: This child is just asking for it! Well, maybe they are, literally, asking for it. It is the only way they know of dealing with guilt.

Children do not need a spanking. They need help with managing their guilt and anger. The way we manage our guilt is by feelings of remorse, feeling sorry for what we have done, and thinking about how to make amends. There should be accurate consequences for behaviour. Most often, these consequences are obvious. A common reason given for spanking was in the case of children doing something that put their life in danger. As parents, we need not underestimate the powerful effect of our intense worry and concern. It resonates deeply with a child to see their parents' distress. A brief and firm expression of our feelings might be all that is needed.

If we decide that we will absolutely not raise a hand to a child under any circumstance, then some time might be needed to adjust to a new way of doing things. It might feel as if we are letting the child "get away with it" while we try to do things differently. But, we may even find that stopping spanking has a desirable effect. Not spanking when the child misbehaves, might teach them, "No, I am not going to do things that way any more." Then the child will begin to hear us pointing out what they have done, what the consequences are, and how to make amends. In some situations, guilt and anger can be reduced by openly discussing the child's misdeeds. In other situations, the child's urges need to be accepted without criticism, but limits set on his acts.

When the child is given better ways of expressing guilt and anger, and when parents learn better ways of setting and enforcing limits, the need for physical punishment is diminished.

Further Reading
Liberated Parents, Liberated Children Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (Avon Books, 1974, 1990, Piccadilly Press, 2002)
Between Parent & Child Dr Haim G Ginott (Avon Books, 1969)
The Magic Years Selma H Fraiberg (Scribners, 1959)

Baby Signing - 10 Animal Signs For Parents And Children

2007-01-26T07:18:00.000Z

Playing with your baby, and reading to her, is a great way of introducing baby signing. Because context is so good when it comes to signing, what better way than in playing and reading, and re-enacting stories that you have read. Animals feature all the time. So along with the sign, there is the roaring, the squeaking, the miaowing and the woofing, marvelous aids to help learning and memory. Here are 10 signs to use with those stories.

1. Bear. Bears seem to feature prominently in books. Well, why wouldn't they? In the shape of a teddy bear, it's the first toy animal that your baby is likely to come into contact with, so every story is an extension of that. And then we have: Winnie The Pooh, The Bear In The Big Blue House...ummm, anyone else?

2. Bird. Getting back, for a moment, to real life, hopefully not many of us will have to be signing "bear" while running from one. But birds we see all the time. And if they don't feature in stories, they are certainly always in the background as something we point out. The nipped fingers of a bird's beak is an obvious and easy sign to use. One finger and thumb = your generic every-day common or garden bird. Four fingers and a thumb? You've got yourself a duck. It's a minor miracle.

3. Cat. And, of course, so many households have a cat. Your new addition to the family is going to want to know what that furry creature is (if you have the baby second, of course - otherwise, that's one hairy baby you've got there). It's a cat, a miaowing, purring, licking, scratching, stretching, sleeping cat. With whiskers. I'm racking my brain trying to think of a worthwhile cat tale...Oh! The Cat In The Hat! And Poppy Cat! How could I forget Poppy Cat - it was one of the first books we had for Annabeth. Poppy Cat love bath time. Poppy Cat love bear (aha!). Poppy Cat loves snugly up, and stories in the chair.

4. Dog. If it isn't a cat you've got, it's a dog. Or maybe a cat and a dog. It's not unheard of. Dogs, dogs, dogs, now let me think. Snoopy? The Puppy With A Waggly Tale? That's it, I'm all dogged out.

This is not a bad time to talk about something I could have pointed out when I first started this series of signing posts with 10 Terrific Signs To Get Parents Started. The more astute of you will have been grumbling about how, well, yeah, it's all very well encouraging signing, but these are all British Sign Language (BSL) and a lot of readers might turn out to want American Sign Language (ASL). Honestly, Kath and I didn't worry about it. We started with ASL because the first book Kath got was Signing Smart. We eventually kept settling on whatever sign was easiest. "Dog" is a good example. I believe, in ASL "dog" is a snap of the fingers and a slap on the leg, which is great fun, and very expressive, but we just went with the paws up, the tongue out, and the panting. Ultimately, it might come down to how serious you are about signing. If it just for communication purposes, then, really, anything will do. If you feel that it is an opportunity for you child in a sense to learn another language, then go with the signing of your country.

5. Fish. Ah, fish. No noise there. Usually, humourously, at the end of a long list of animals and their accompanying noises. Now, the fish. Open mouth, close mouth, open mouth, close mouth. With fishy lips. But, it is easy to pick up, and it will probably be one of the first animal words your little one will say. I was looking through a book with someone else's kid once, and before I'd uttered the words, "What's that?" Bethy barged through with a flashing hand doing the tail-fin, hissing, "fshsh!" What do you call a fish with no eyes?

6. Lion. Lions feature fairly heavily in Bible stories, don't they? Though not always favourably. Samson tearing a lion in two, anyone? But, then there is the wonderful story of Daniel in the lion's den. Roaring, growling lions with their paws padding about, and Daniel in the midst of them, unharmed. Inspiring.

7. Monkey. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, and tucking your arms up? Why is that a natural action to perform when playing monkey? Do monkey's really do that? I wonder whether it is a slur on the monkey species, actually. You make the grunting, sub-human noises and flail your arms about, scratching your arm-pit. All it says is, "Ha! You're a monkey. We, are human! You only eats nits and bananas. We eat caviar. We are an advanced race." So, we may as well get the kids involved in this zoological mud-slinging. (As an aside: Evolution - ptooey.)

8. Mouse. I recently saw "mouse" signed as tiny little scuttling fingers, which makes a lot more sense than this peculiar sign. What is it with the finger and the nose and giving it a little turn, with a "squeak, squeak, squeak"? I'm not sure, but Bethy learned it, and she was quickly pointing out mice. Happily they were almost always hiding in the background of some story or other, rather than sitting on the kitchen work surface. And there are lots of mice in Bagpuss. "We will find it, we will bind it, we will fix it with glue, glue, glue."

9. Pig. The Three Little Pigs. Actually, the book we were given was The Three Little Wolves. It was a reverse psychology story, about three little wolves who built progressively sturdier houses because their dwellings were being systematically destroyed by a pig with WMDs. I reckon it was a prequel. One of the wolves must go on a killing rampage to execute revenge on the Pig's family. Or, maybe just pigs in general. He, too says "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!" The thing is: Where does it end? You go back to the first book because one of those pigs will want retribution. It goes on and on in a raging hatred between wolves and pigs which never reaches a peaceful conclusion. When will pigs and wolves dwell in perfect harmony?

This little piggy went to market, anyone? What's a pig doing eating roast beef, anyway?

10. Rabbit. Thank goodness for the rabbit. No, I take that back. I get so wound up when I read The Tale of Peter Rabbit. The little rabbit with the three goody-goody sisters, Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton-tail, all dressed in red capes like their Mother. And Peter. He was "very naughty." As if "naughty" is not enough. No wonder he headed straight for Mr McGregor's garden, just where his Mother had told him not to go. "I'll get put in a pie, then. Mummy hates me anyway." Ms Potter really knew what she was talking about. She was a social commentator, she was.

So, there you have it: 10 animal signs. Have fun with them. And soon, we'll look at a few colours you can introduce. A few - I'm not sure I can come up with 10. Let's see: blue, red, orange...

Related Link
A demonstration of the sign for "water".

Bronchitisaurus - Examining The Contents

2007-01-25T06:01:00.000Z

Suddenly they all stop in their tracks.

GRANT
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, everybody stay here.

Grant walks forward. Tim follows.

ELLIE
Timmy.

LEX
Hey, Timmy!

Tim reaches the clearing and sees:

A Triceratops, a big one, lying on its side, blocking the light
at the end of the path. It has an enormous curved shell that flanks
its head, two big horns over its eyes, and a third on the end of its
nose. It doesn't move, just breathes, loud and raspy, blowing up a
little clouds of dust with every exhalation.

Grant stands next to Harding, almost in a daze.

GRANT
Is it okay?

HARDING
Sure.

Grant walks next to the animal and strokes its head. Ellie
moves forward to the animal.

GRANT
Oh Ellie. She was my favorite when I was a kid. Now I see her, she's the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

They both kneel, checking the animal.

Ellie notices something, all professional curiosity now. The animal's tongue, dark purple, droops limply from its mouth.

ELLIE
It's okay.

She scratches the tongue with her fingernail. A clear liquid
leaks from the broken blisters.

ELLIE
Micro vesicles. That's interesting.

Grant, fascinated, wanders all the way around to the back of the animal. Harding joins Ellie and hands her his penlight.

ELLIE (cont'd)
What are her symptoms?

HARDING
Imbalance, disorientation, labored breathing. Seems to happen about every six weeks or so.

ELLIE
Six weeks?

She takes the penlight from the veterinarian and shines it in
the animal's eyes.

ELLIE
The pupils are dilated. Take a look.

HARDING
They are?
(checks it out)
I'll be darned.

ELLIE
That's pharmacological. From local plant life.

She turns and studies the surrounding landscape. Her mind's
really at work, puzzling over each piece of foliage.

ELLIE (cont'd)
(kneeling)
Is this West Indian lilac?

HARDING
Yes. We know they're toxic, but the animals don't eat them.

ELLIE
Are you sure?

HARDING
Pretty sure.

ELLIE
There's only one way to be positive. I'd have to see the dinosaur's droppings.

MALCOLM
Dino droppings? Droppings?

She walks way, Malcolm looks on.

42 EXT FIELD DAY

As the weather grows darker, ELLIE, GRANT, HARDING, and MALCOLM are grouped around an enormous spoor of triceratops excreta that stands at least waist high and is covered with BUZZING flies.

MALCOLM
That is one big pile of poop.

Ellie has plastic gloves on the reach up to her elbows, and is
just withdrawing her hand from the middle of the dung.

ELLIE
(to Harding)
You're right. There's no trace of lilac berries.
That's so odd, though. So, she's suffering from meliatoxicity,
(thinking aloud)
Every six weeks - -

She turns and walks out into the open field a few paces,
thinking. Malcolm watches her, and looks back at the dung.

MALCOLM
(to Grant)
She's, uh - - tenacious.

GRANT
You have no idea.

MALCOLM
(to Ellie)
You will remember to wash your hands before you eat anything?

Curiously, it's always this scene from Jurassic Park that comes to mind when Bethy is not well. We dive into nappy changing with keen interest to see what the contents of the nappy reveal as to the state of our baby's health. It's like being a paleontologist!

So, after the bronchitis diagnosis at the weekend, we plied Bethy with Vitamin C. We eventually hit on mixing it with raw New Zealand honey - she took the spoon!

500mg Vitamin C mixed with raw New Zealand honey, every hour, reducing as the symptoms improve. You'll know you have reached the limit of Vitamin C for the body, because the contents of the nappy will leave you in no doubt. Of course if the symptoms reduce then there is no need to push Vitamin C to the limit. Whatever comes first. Beth is doing very well.

Now, where are those elbow-length gloves?

Baby Signing - A Public Demonstration

2007-01-24T22:31:00.000Z

I found this example of Bethy signing, before she could speak. Can you see what she is saying?

(Oh, and, do try hard to ignore the person in the background saying "bum".)

Hat

2007-01-24T06:14:00.000Z

penitent late links
Festival of Family Flair
Write Away Contest
Pregnancy Carnival

Wordless Wednesday

Bronchitis Night - It Was A Little Bit Scary

2007-01-23T05:11:00.000Z

So there we were, 8 o'clock on Saturday evening, hammering on the door of a surgery which was looking suspiciously dark for an Emergency Doctor's residence.

For a couple of day's Annabeth had been nursing a cold. She had a nagging cough, a snuffly nose, and a bit of a rattly chest, but she was still quite perky. Things took a down turn on Saturday afternoon after we had played a short game of hide and seek. There's not many places to hide in our tiny cottage, so I try and get away with crouching behind the door and hoping that Bethy will run by and notice me. She never does. "There you are. There he is." She declares, with a big smile. When I made a really big effort and hid behind the curtain in the utility room, she was at a complete loss as to where I could be. I peeked out from behind the curtain, much to her delight, and she squealed with laughter. It was a squeal of laughter too far because she went rapidly down-hill from there.

As the evening drew in, Bethy became more subdued and her breathing became more laboured. She could only take in short breaths and her chest was quite congested. She tried to be upbeat, as talkative as she could, but gradually she couldn't even manage that, and she just laid her head on my shoulder and reserved her energy for taking in quick breaths.

As time went by she became weepy. She was distressed. I asked if she could breath deeply, and she gave way to tears. Crying was a good sign, all things considered - she could do that without losing her breath - but it was a heartbreaking sight. She was quite frightened. We had given her Pulsatilla to crunch, which she had gladly done, and the humidifier was constantly running, but still things were getting worse. Kath rung the Emergency Desk. When Kath worries, then I really worry.

While Kath was trying to get an answer, I started to fill the bath. We wanted to fill the bathroom with steam infused with eucalyptus to see if that would begin to clear things. As the bath took time to fill, I wrapped Beth in my coat and took her outside to look at the stars. Maybe the cold fresh air would have a positive effect. We were feeling a bit desperate. "Take me back in, please." She found enough breath to say that much, so I brought her back indoors.

The Emergency Desk listened to Kath explain the symptoms and then told us the Doctor had a two or three hour waiting list. Things obviously did not sound that bad to them, and they could hear Bethy's cries, so they told us just to monitor her and to ring again if things got worse.

I took Beth into the hot, steamy bathroom and rocked her back and forth, shushing her. She calmed, and laid her head on my shoulder and made shallow breaths. Kath came in and Beth sat with her. Her breathing became a little more difficult, and alarmingly, her eyes began to roll. She seemed vacant. I looked at her and asked her to say something. She looked spaced. I asked her again, more insistently, and she folded into tears again, which was better than nothing. But Kath shook her head: "This isn't doing any good."

I took Beth, and Kath called the Emergency Desk again and told them that things seemed to be getting worse. The receptionist clocked the concern in a Mother's voice and said that the doctor would ring in ten minutes. Shortly, the phone rang, and Kath told the doctor how things had progressed. She struggled to understand his accent as he asked various questions, but with the answers she gave he decided that it would be best that we call in to the Emergency Surgery.

"It is on Cromwell Street." Cromwell Street?

"Do you mean Hardwicke House?"

"Yes, Hardwicke House."

We bustled around, wrapping Bethy up in her coat, and grabbing our own, and we quickly headed out to the car.

"We're dashing." Came a little voice. We had read about parents who had been in the same situation, taken their children along to emergency rooms and presented a child who has made a remarkable recovery in a surprisingly short period. It seems that the cold night air can do wonders for a child's chest, when she has been cooped up in a hot, stuffy house all day. So when we were bashing on the door of a suspiciously abandoned-looking Hardwicke House, Beth was sitting up, giving us a running commentary and naming the stars.

"Are you looking for the Doctor-On-Call?" If it hadn't been for a discerning passer-by, I'm not sure what we would have done. We were reaching panic point. "He's on Cornard Road, just before the video shop." Great.

It was quiet and empty when we were ushered in by the receptionist. A ghost surgery.

"Toys!" Spotted Beth, as we took a seat. We read a few pages of Postman Pat, before a bearded doctor called us in to the surgery.

On the way to the surgery, Kath had primed Beth on what might happen once we were in there. She told her that the doctor might want her to take her top off, and he would listen to her chest using a funny metal thing. It might be a little cold. The doctor asked her to undress, and we peeled off her top. He listened to her chest with his stethoscope, just like Mummy had described. Beth sat there patiently and didn't make a sound.

"She has some bronchitis. But her lungs are clear." He opened a cupboard and brought out a box and a bottle. "A course of antibiotics. Take one three times a day." Ah, yes, the I-love-the-smell-of-napalm-in-the-morning approach. I glanced at Kath, and she gave me a reassuring nod. "If it is not improved by tomorrow evening, you must bring her back in. Not Monday. Tomorrow."

"Right, now we've got a diagnosis." Said Kath, as we left for home.

Just about every website Kath checked, once we got back, sternly warned against giving the sufferer antibiotics. Not only were they unnecessary, they were next to useless. The remedy is a course of Vitamin C. In large doses.

We are giving her 500mg every hour. The body has to build up a reserve. Apparently, it will be like heading up through the clouds to begin with - foggy, nothing in site - but then you will burst through to clear blue skies. Just persevere with it.

Perseverance is what Bethy needs. We crunch up the Vitamin C, mix it with hot water to dissolve it, add it to agave syrup or honey. It doesn't matter, Bethy hates it every time. She went through a short stretch of just opening her mouth and gulping it down, but generally it is a touch traumatic. But she endures it none-the-less.

She slept through Saturday night. Her breathing was tight, but regular. As Sunday wore on, her breathing steadied and got easier, her chest gradually clearing. Her runny nose dried up. She was much more active. Things have settled right down.

She has not reached saturation point yet, so she still needs the doses we are giving her. Once the body has reached its limit we will know it, it seems, er, nappy-wise. But everything is much better than it was.

Disclaimer
We are not advocating any of the procedures used here, we are simply relating the experience we had, and the course we took.

Links
Dr Greene - Antibiotic Overuse
JournalWatch - Antibiotics and Bronchitis: Yet Another Failure
Doctor Yourself - Bronchitis
Doctor Yourself - Dosage Table
Doctor Yourself - Mega-Vitamin C and Babies

Story Of A First Birth - Not Exactly According To Plan

2007-01-22T05:58:00.000Z

Rory: Of course nothing went according to plan. How else could a story about birth begin?

Home birth, the whole Sheila Kitzinger, low-lighting, curry for the midwife, delayed cord-cutting, eating placenta shtick, it all goes out the window with just five words. At 8.00 pm on the Saturday evening, Kath hesitated between the kitchen and the living room: "I think my waters broke." Bethy was not due for four weeks. To the day.

Kath: From the first visit to the midwife I had said I wanted a home birth. It was actually reading Frederic Leboyer's Birth Without Violence that started me down that road. But here we were, completely unprepared - no nappies, no bag packed - and being called into hospital. Knowing what I know now I would not have gone in so quick, but I was a first timer and all I knew was the theory. This was really happening.

Rory: A phone call to the hospital had us in the car and on the way to the maternity ward. A day or two later and we would have been outside the window of "premature baby". But for the want of that time we were called in. When we got there Kath was examined and then strapped up with various pieces of machinery to monitor the baby's heart rate. The doctor came round, and we were told gravely that if they weren't happy with the results, they would begin to induce in 48 hrs. So we sat back and watched replays of Kelly Holmes taking gold in the 1500 meters at the Athens Olympics, and later, Benson and Stabler bringing down the bad guy.

But no sign of the baby.

Kath: I actually felt pangs on the way to the hospital, but when they monitored me they said I was not having contractions. I did explain what I was feeling, and they said, "Yes, you will feel twinges." So, regardless of the fact that the pangs were getting stronger, I was overruled by the professionals. It all felt so surreal. But being induced was absolutely not on my agenda!

Rory: By midnight, the midwife told me to go home, and Katherine was put on the ward. She had begun popping pills. I think that's what might have kick-started the excitement.

Kath: Actually, it was a homeopathic remedy. I took one for slow labour that I had brought with me. How much that influenced things I don't know, but by the time they sent me to the ward, and Rory home, things were definitely starting to happen. I so clearly remember standing alone by the side of a bed, the ward in darkness, finally able to hear my inner voice. And it told me that letting them send Rory home was a big mistake.

Rory: I would have missed the whole thing if I hadn't got lost trying to find the way out.

I came face to face with Kate. "I don't want you to go." We called a nurse and she examined Kath while berating the delivery team:"I hate it when they do this." They had sent Kath down without reexamining her. "Well, you are 3 centimeters, so it could go either way. Let's see what happens."

The suggestion was to put Kath in a bath, and we were to monitor the rapidly advancing contractions. Eventually they were coming every 90 seconds or so. Once we got out of the bath and reported back it was clear that we were both staying, so I went down to renew the car parking.

Kath: Being in that bath was strange. It was very deep and quite comforting. But between contractions (which were really quite painful now) I remember us laughing in disbelief that we were there, in the middle of the night, with a baby coming.

Rory: I came back to find Kath completely spaced-out, periodically sucking on a gas canister. It was actually quite a disturbing site. I keep getting images of Dennis Hopper à la Blue Velvet. She was on her back on the bed, tank of gas by her side and a glassy, detached look in her eyes. She was letting out Mother-Alien like strangulated screeches. This was not what she wanted. When I got to the side of the bed she seemed to revive and come back to reality. We got her off the gas. Things were beginning to accelerate.

Kath: They had asked me if I could walk to the delivery suite and I said yes. But by the time I got there the pains were such that I didn't know what to do with myself. They were escalating so fast. No time for all the methods I had planned. In retrospect, I am disappointed that no one suggest I try different positions - leaning against the bed, breathing, whatever - I was just offered gas and air and laid on the bed. I didn't know what else to do. Everything melted away...

I heard someone calling me, "Kath! Kath!" in a distressed way. Someone was screaming - well, wailing. Was that me? I let go the gas and regained some focus. The gas had not taken away the pain just taken me from it and stopped me from working with my body. But by now I was 10cm and they told me I had to focus.

Rory: Now the midwife got seriously involved. It was difficult to do things the way you wanted in such a clinical and take-control environment, but we did our best, Kath adopting the most comfortable position she could under the circumstances. Together we regulated the breathing as best as we were able, Kath firmly fixing my gaze, and trying for all she was worth to ride and push with each wave. It was really quite a distressing environment for us. There was the fear and frustration of a situation being taken out of your hands, and all the anxiety that accompanies the feeling of not being in control.

Kath: Everyone kept giving me instructions, but I had sort of gone into myself. It was only when Rory repeated them to me that I would register what was being required of me. Everything I had read told me not to let myself be forced to push when I wasn't ready, and I was trying so hard to listen to my body, but my inner voice was being drowned out again by the bright lights and the commands. Then I was told I had to turn over on to my back to make it easier for the delivery. I can only think that this is when Beth got stuck. I was now in exactly the position I didn't want to be in: the classic delivery position, lying on a bed, legs up, no help even from gravity.

Rory: Beth crowned. It was an extraordinary sight. The top of her little head visible, slick and ruddy. And there she stayed.

Kath: "I am going to have to cut you." Hearing those words was the moment I managed to get control again. No way, lady. I had read about that, too. I was happier to tear than be cut, so I said, "No, not unless you really have to." The midwife said, "Well, how about if I numb you just in case." I weakly consented, but as she turned away I felt the next contraction and I went for it.

Rory: With a sudden determined heave, Annabeth spilled out on to the bed. My exaggerated memory has her spinning off on an ice-rink, round and round, saved only from falling off the edge by springing back on the cord. In reality, she did scoot a little bit. But after the cord was cut, she was gathered, wet, naked, and wonderful into our arms. 02.34 on a Sunday morning.

Kath: Whoosh! That's how I remember it. One minute she wasn't there, the next she was, all at once. Ha Ha! Put away that scalpel, madam!

She cried as she was given to us, and something from Leboyer came back to me. "It's the light!" Rory turned the angle poise lamp away and she immediately stopped crying and looked up at us. Her hands were so amazing. I just stared. It seemed to me she was exactly who I had been expecting.

Rory: She was Annabeth Poppy. We had known it was her, in some personal way. For weeks we had spoken to her, read to her, listened to her, felt her movements. She was no stranger. To meet her was the most sublime moment ever to be experienced.

It might not have gone according to plan. But she was finally here, and ultimately, that was all that mattered. There isn't anything more profound to say.

Four days later, we were back in hospital, but I guess that's another story.

Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #6

2007-01-21T18:45:00.000Z

I walked into the bedroom clutching my socks and underpants.

"Feets," said Bethy, lying next to her Mum, but I couldn't really understand her talking with her mouth full. She rolled back and declared it again, "Feets!"

"Oh, these." I twigged, holding the socks aloft. "That's right. And where do these go?"

"On your bot-tin."

Yay! This kid'll go far.

Rebecca Hollweg - June babies Here's someone you may never have heard of. If you want a taste of Middle England, with a jazz-pop twist and an arch lyric, then you can't do any better than this girl. She has a voice like crystal, too. There is a playful, wry humour to her songwriting, with a real ear for a snappy hook. Talk about catchy.

I'm really not sure how good it is for falling asleep to. Bethy just loves being rocked to it while she sings, "Sleeping in, having a long lie." It's a morning song, really.

Seek it out and find it. You will be well rewarded. For your troubles, I give you Long Lie from top to bot-tin.

Long Lie

Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #1
Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #2
Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #3
Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #4
Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #5

Measuring Progress On A Sliding Scale. A Trilogy: Part 2 - The Double Take

2007-01-20T06:18:00.000Z

Measuring Progress On A Sliding Scale. A Trilogy: Part 1 - Solo Flight

Baby Signing - 10 More Terrific Signs To Help Parents Persist

2007-01-19T06:10:00.000Z

So, you have already started signing with your baby using the first 10 Signs To Get Parents Started and you want a few more to keep up the momentum. Well, here are 10 more that we made good use of.

1. Book. It might seem too obvious to suggest the opening and closing hands of the sign for "book", but avoiding the obvious is not the name of the game here. Wanting to look at books is one of the first oft-repeated pastimes of your little ones, and the earlier they can let you know that, the better. You'll grow to love those flapping hands, suggesting "read a book?" at the most inopportune times, even before they have learned how to speak. Aaaah, parenthood.

2. Library. Because, of course, there are not enough books in your house - and if you've been faithfully adhering to the 5 Essential Parenting "No-Needs" there will be no books in your house - you will really appreciate this expressive sign calling for a visit to the library. The complicated nature of the sign - one hand lining up many books - will do nothing to hinder the child from mastering it in moments.

3. Bank. No, not "Psycho?" While we were out at the library, we would often have to visit the bank. Bethy soon negotiated the banality of our weekly routine. On Friday she hammers her open palm with her fist and barks, "Bank!" In all seriousness, this highlights the wonder of signing with your kids. It is the ease of slipping it into your daily routine - saying the word and doing the sign and going to the different places together, the bank, the library, and with a diagonal arm sliced across the body to the shoulder, the park, your little one will quickly get to grips with what it all means. Bethy loves the routine, the security of it, the time alone with Daddy. Not that this is always appreciated by Mummy. Last time Katherine went to fetch her own coat to come with us, it was, "You're not coming!"

4. Shop. Talking about routine, there is, of course, the weekly visit to The Shop. Here, the hands are dramatically forced down, like "Shop!" It's all drama going to the shop, after all.

5. Fire. Okay, now you're getting into the world of whole sentences in sign. Join the flickering fingers of "fire" to the huffy-puffy mouth of "hot" and you've got yourself, "the fire is hot." So, this helps with building sentence structure. I credit this early adoption of signs with how quickly Bethy mastered putting sentences together.

6. Man. Annabeth's closest approximation of this was to pinch her cheek repeatedly. I found this out when she was rooting through my CD collection. She had Springsteen's Darkness On The Edge Of Town clasped in her hand, and there she was pinching her cheek, "Man!" It was thrilling because I see it as a great step, being able to differentiate between man and woman, boy and girl. My irritation at the scattered CDs soon turned to glee. Good save from the girl, methinks.

7. Moon. This is a poetic one, eh? The moon. Being able to point up at the beautiful night sky and describe the outline of a crescent, "Moon. La Bella Luna." She'll get it in an instant. And doesn't she love to search for the moon in the night sky? "Where's 'a moon gone? There it is!"

8. Play. As has been said before, signing is a marvelous way to introduce concepts. Sometimes we work, sometimes we eat, sometimes we play. For us, we turned our hands up slightly, with fingers gripped and thumbs up, and then made swiveling motions with both hands. There, I've just described a completely different sign to the one pictured. Our one just seemed more, well, playful. "Are you playing?" went along with the sign. It is utterly irresistible when your little girl/boy eventually - and out of the blue - sidles up to you, thumbs going, and says, "Want to play with me?"

9. Noisy. This is kind of quaint, because the sign itself signifies "London", but it is also used for "noise." The finger is making circular motions. Little circle - Mummy clattering pans in the kitchen - for little noise. Big circles for big noise - often, a motorbike pulling away from the traffic lights near our house.

This sign is remarkably handy. Once you consider using this sign, you come to realise how often little ones are startled by sound: The traffic on the road, car horns, motorbikes; the telephone ringing, the doorbell sounding; the vacuum cleaner switched on; Mum's hairdryer. It is a loud and oppressive world we live in. I think being able to turn to the baby with a look of consternation, making the sign and saying, "Oh, it's so noisy!" just invites a little bit of relief.

10. What. It might seem a bit nonsensical to include a question in with your signs - surely it makes good parenting sense to hold off the question-asking stage for as long as possible! But you find yourself using this word so often in play, "What is that/it?" that it seems only natural to sign it as well. They are going to start one day, may as well be sooner. So, along with the waving finger of "what?" we did the waving palm-flat-out-in-front-of-you of "where?". Great for the hiding toys game.

Again, these were ones we found useful. They fitted in with our schedule, as a description of our weekly life. The vocabulary expanded dramatically. You will no doubt find that your store of signs will grow in a different direction. I would highly recommend getting hold of a signing dictionary - better still, the Signing Smart book - that you can dip into for new signs whenever you need them.

And what about animals? Colours? They all have signs. Maybe we'll do those next.

KeepVid: Saviour of the Computer Blues Meltdown

2007-01-18T06:12:00.000Z

The keyboard or the kid. What's it gonna be?

There are times when you need to work at home, but your attention is divided between the computer and the children. Household versus workload. There are times when you've just got to work. The children need to be told. "I can see that you really want me, and it is frustrating for you that I am here but can't play. The problem is, I've really got to finish this work."

However, here's a thing. There may be times that we can share the screen. Let the little one sit next to us and use, say, a quarter of the screen - at most a third - to watch a little something. And once we've tried it , we might find that it is not too much of an inconvenience.

Enter KeepVid. Actually YouTube enters before KeepVid, but you can't do what we want to do with YouTube alone, so the accolade of Saviour of the Computer Meltdown Blues goes to KeepVid. Thank goodness for a program that allows you to download videos straight into a handy folder marked "FunVids" (or whatever). Find the video you want on YouTube, copy the address to the bar provided in KeepVid and press "download". Click on the link that appears just below the text box and you will then be given the option to download it to your computer. Either at that point, or once it's on your computer, you have to give it a *.flv extension. KeepVid now comes with useful features, including the ability to convert video to a format of your choice, or download a free FLV player. It is up to you. Alternatively, you can play them on VLC Media Player down in some unobtrusive corner of your screen.

So, what is there on YouTube that might amuse your small companion, your temporary work-mate? D'you know, you're probably already familiar with the ins and outs of YouTube, so I'll just list a handful of things that Beth cheerfully works her way through:

1. Muppets. One of the first things Bethy usually says when she sidles up to the computer is "Ma-na-ma-na do-do?", a request for the two pink cows and their unwelcome hairy guest. There is also the Muppets theme; and a great favorite (of whose?) Kylie and Kermit singing a duet. What could be better than that?

2. Wallace and Gromit. There is a wild 30 second dash to begin with, in the shape of a Kangoo ad. But even better is a clutch of Cracking Contraptions. Two-minute shorts of clay genius.
The Soccamatic
The Snowmanatron
The Cardomatic
The Turbo Diner
The Snoozatron
The Tellyscope

3. Mike's New Car. "It's like we've released a panther." 'Nuff said.

4. Quirky Ones. Body-popping David Elsewhere in the VW commercial?
Ping Pong Matrix? You've just got to watch it to understand. Not that you'll be any the wiser afterwards. Very clever, though, in a completely Japanese kind of way. And, of course, there is the ever-popular, much-beloved, Dancing Dog.

5. Gymnastics. Having a little girl, I say, Hurrah! for gymnastics. Bouncing, tumbling, flik-flakking ballet. What more can you ask for?
The list is pretty much as long as you want it to be: Olga Korbut, Svetlana Boginskaya and again. Or notch it up a bit with some rhythmic gymnastics - ribbons anyone?

So, there you have it. Budge up on your chair, let the little one in, and share some computer screen real estate. It might just do a bit more to fend of the Computer Blues.

Hair

2007-01-17T06:26:00.000Z

Just wanted to send a huge Thank-You out to Melissa at The Parenting Weblog and to Megin at GNMParents.
Thank You, again. And now I'll zip it!

Wordless...

7 Steps To Keeping Kids Quiet At Public Venues

2007-01-16T16:10:00.000Z

You can hear a pin drop. The bustle and buzz of movement and conversation has died down. Everyone has found their seat and is settling down for the program. A hush descends...

Us knowing she means a feed doesn't diminish the embarrassment one teeny weeny bit.

All of us may at one time need to attend a public occasion which will involve trying to keep the children quiet. It could be a concert, a meeting of some sort, or a school assembly program; many go to religious meetings every week, sometimes several times a week. Keeping children quiet can be quite a challenge. Here are some steps toward helping your child to appreciate when quiet is needed - much more fruitful alternatives to "SHUT UP!"

To begin with, you may be able to sit them on your lap, or distract them with something. Allow them to play on the floor if they want, and decorum allows. Obviously this will depend on where you are and what your aims are in the meeting. This may work for a while, but if the noise continues:

1. Describe what is required. "We use our quiet voice here." Or, "We don't talk during the meeting/performance." This can be repeated several times. It takes a while for the message to sink in.

2. Give information. "It's disturbing for others to hear talking." Making every effort not to say "you", casting your child into the role of annoying noise-maker. After all, it's disturbing for the audience to hear any noise.

3. State expectations. "When I say we use our quiet voice, I expect only a quiet voice to be used."

4. Offer a choice. "You can sit in here quietly or you can sit outside with an angry Daddy."

5. Take Action. And if the chatter continues, "I see you chose to sit outside."

6. Express your feelings. "I feel so annoyed to be out here when we could be in there."

7.Allow the child to experience the consequences of his behaviour. The consequences are being outside with an frustrated parent, and being told so. Don't think that this does not go a long way with your child.

And that is about your limit. When they ask to go back in, you have to judge whether it is worth it. Once you have expressed your feelings, that might be enough for your little one to appreciate the gravity of the situation. You could repeat the choice and go back in. If you don't feel it is advisable to go back in, you could simply say that you don't feel confident enough, just yet. "We can go back in at the break." Or, "Next time, we can be in there. But this time, we're staying out here."

I must stress: Don't underestimate how discomfiting it is to have an angry parent. That might be your limit, but I believe what Dr Ginott says is quite true: "Mothers disapproval weighs heavily upon a child. It takes the flavour out of everything. Grandma could bake him his favourite cake, but to him it wouldn't taste so sweet."

This might be a method that has to be repeated time and time again, but it is good for patience to be a parent's long suit, and we trust that eventually our children will understand that there is a time and a place for being quiet.

Bibliography
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk - Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
amazon.com
amazon.co.uk

Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #5

2007-01-15T20:48:00.000Z

The vacuum cleaner went on, Beth covered her face. "Don't like it."

"You can always run away if you don't like something."

She looked at me, "Oh, hinx." And bolted.

It's not a concept she's unaware of. Must have just slipped her mind.

Cat Power - The Greatest "Lived in bars, and danced on tables," might not be the kind of lyrics you want to introduce your bed-bound youngster to, but surely Chan Marshall can be forgiven anything, no? With that voice of hers? The sultry voice that belies the twitchy, half-cocked persona behind it?

The Greatest is Cat Power doing Memphis blues. Or not. Whatever it is, it is laid back, cool, and easy to fall asleep to.

The Greatest

Or, hey, give yourself a treat - hop on over to YouTube and watch Her performing these two great songs on Later with Jools Holland.
The Greatest
Lived In Bars

Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #1
Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #2
Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #3
Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #4

Baby Signing - The "Signing Smart" Way

2007-01-13T07:57:00.000Z

Following our recent post featuring 10 signs to encourage parents to sign with their child, I thought I would fill you in on why and how I took up this great idea.

I had a vague notion that signing would be a good idea ever since my sister told me about a TV programme she saw where non-verbal toddlers could communicate what they needed. So when I became pregnant I looked it up on the Internet. Wow! Sing and sign, baby sign, ASL, BSL - this was a big subject. Then Bethy arrived and it all got put on the back burner.

When she was about 6 months old I decided to give it a go, but I was flailing really. A website I found said repetition was the key and you should start with a sign that would help you as a parent, and therefore alleviate frustration for both of you, such as milk or more. Well I tried, but I had questions: How would I know it was working (when Bethy looked at me as if I was crazy)? How long before something should happen? Was it all worth it?

I don't remember how I found it, I think it was just in our local library, but I discovered Signing Smart with Babies and Toddlers by Drs Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert. It had me hooked by the first page - a personal experience of a 12 month old asking what the moon was? In sign? This, I wanted!
An insight into what Bethy was thinking, real communication. Could it be possible? The book explains that what babies need to grasp is the concept of signing and that the way to do it is by using the natural interest they have in what is around them and the games you already play with them. I really do it no justice by my superficial explanation, so I really encourage you to get the book and see for yourself. Suffice to say I now had confidence in giving it a go and, amazingly, exactly what was supposed to happen happened! The day that Bethy got ready to scream to be nursed as usual, almost perceptibly paused and cautiously signed "milk", was wonderful. But that was eclipsed by the time she picked up my fork and in response to my wittering on about how that was mummy's fork but when she was bigger she could have a baby fork, she signed "what - baby" and pointed to the fork. "What 's a baby fork?" Excellent question, very good point - but she would have wondered the same thing, and I would never have known the marvellous workings of her mind, if she had not known those simple signs.

Now she has this way of looking you directly in they eye. And she talks - does she ever! I have lost count of the people who have looked at her curiously, amazed at her vocabulary, and said, "How old is she?" Would she have been any different without signing? Who knows? Will it help her in the future? Maybe.

One thing I do know, I would not have missed those early, non-verbal, insights-into-her-secret-self conversations with her for all the tea in china.

Signing Smart with Babies and Toddlers by Drs Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert
amazon.co.uk
amazon.com

Website
Signing Smart

Just How Far Should A Personal Blog Go?

2007-01-12T15:28:00.000Z

Should I post pictures of my baby, or my children? Should I put up that video I made? How far is too far for a Personal blog in the public arena? Should I use real names or not? And why do I feel the way I do about it?

This question was posed recently at Blogging Basics 101 and came up in a discussion with Kevin D over at Fuelmyblog.

We know there are unscrupulous people that plough the worldwide web, nefarious individuals looking for a kick. But, how much does that play on your mind while you blog? And what do we worry about? Do such individuals cut and paste? Photoshop to make our children look lurid? What about flickr or social networks for parents?

Why does John Chow not seem to be worried? Or are babies different from little children?

Are we worried that they live locally, or that they would be willing to travel because of an obsession? What makes it any more worrying than having your young one out and about in town? Is it the fear of One Hour Photo? Are we just too freaked out by scare stories over the Internet? Or do you have some very real experiences you can share?

Does it feel like you would rather sacrifice a certain element of personableness by using pseudonyms, for the sake of your little ones' safety? Does it feel too much like "pimping out your kid"?

I don't mind being called naive. Maybe I am. My fear seems to be broad. I know such people exist; I find it more difficult to be afraid when I narrow my fear down. So, I am interested in your views – it would be a great help personally to get your diverse opinions.

Baby Signing - 10 Terrific Signs To Get Parents Started

2007-01-12T06:16:00.000Z

Imagine a world without any babies crying. Imagine calm and peace. Okay, well you can forget that. But here's a big step in the right direction: Signing with your baby.

We started signing with Annabeth when she was about 9 months old. Within 4 months, she was signing back to us, albeit in a distinctly confused manner. Pretty soon after that she had several useful and necessary signs at her disposal which she used constantly: More, Feed, Mummy, and Daddy. We believe her communication skills have been helped by signing. And now, though she speaks and converses clearly, she still uses several signs, and loves to learn more. She picks them up a lot quicker, as well.

So, here are 10 signs to help get parents started. There is no need to learn them all. Just pick a few - we used "more" to begin with - and sign it whenever you say the word, especially at mealtimes (in our case), or whenever you are encouraging an activity to be repeated.

1. More. Here we have the left hand clasped on the chest, and the right hand taken forward. In actuality, what we did was bunch our fingers together with both hands and bring the tips of our fingers together. This one stopped the tears at the table. "More?" we would say, while doing the sign, and eventually she cottoned on. Big smiles. Then everything was, "more, more" with the hands, from reading a book to pulling a funny face. But, you're in no doubt what she's asking for.

2. Feed. We did it with one hand. Bring the hand down several times, like ringing a bell. Yes, I know, like milking a cow! Sorry it is so crude, but that's the way it is. It's the sign for milk, so of course it is milking a cow, and no offense is intended.

This one was a minor miracle for Katherine. She had persevered in doing the sign with Bethy whenever that time of day came around. And she would do it whenever Bethy cried for a feed. Then, one day Bethy was crying and she was waving her hand about in a childish attempt at Katherine's feeding sign. They haven't looked back since.

3. Mummy. That's three fingers - "M" - tapped on the hand. We tapped our three fingers on the forehead. Bethy was doing it pretty quickly, and it was shortly followed with her saying "Mummy," while tapping three fingers to her forehead. We have not found Bethy's speech to be hindered in any way by signing. On the contrary, it appears to have stimulated it.

4. Daddy. Or "Father", if you want to be officious. It is the sign for "F", two fingers tapped together. I like this one - which father wouldn't? But, it was especially heart-warming because I would often find her making this sign when she - pardon the expression - had her mouth full. I would come in, say, from work, while she was feeding, and I could see her little hands saying, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy." Not excited enough, obviously, actually to quit feeding.

5. Thank You. This one can double up as please, but mostly we would use it as thank you. Very often, we found ourselves coupling it with the sign for sharing - one palm out flat with the other hand cutting down in imaginary slices. "Thank you for sharing," when she would offer some of her biscuit or toast. We used it long before she could appreciate the concept of Thank You, not as a reminder to her to say "Thank-you" but always as a thank you to her. It has worked an absolute treat. It is most rewarding to witness Annabeth saying "hinkoo" to someone else while doing the sign - leaving the recipient chuffed but not a little bemused.

6. Home. I think this is really the sign for "House", "Home" being a different "hand going over a hill - going home" type sign. But we have always used "House". It is particularly good for signing across big crowded rooms, "We're going home," you mouth, while making the cute "roof" action with your hands.

7. Hot. My goodness, but how many things are hot around the house? The oven, drinks, water, the radiator. So we were employing this sign from a very early age, and Bethy quickly got the hang of it - the hand coming away from the mouth accompanied by the requisite "Ooh! Ooh! Hot! Hot!" sounds - and what it was for.

8. Toilet. As in, "I'm off to the..."; quite - but not very - useful in explaining to a distressed child why Mummy is abandoning her at pace. It was put to its best use when Bethy walked up and stood in front of me, I looked down and she was tapping her shoulder. Yup, I knew what she was doing. Actually, I think that signified good progress - she knew she was going, she wanted Daddy to know she knew. Hurrah for signing. Discreet, too. Don't underestimate the discretion aspect. And it's like a secret language, a secret code between you and your little accomplice. Although, your child won't know this. She'll be flapping away at children who will be staring at her with slightly alarmed expressions. And then they might run away.

9. Water. Water, water everywhere, and quite a bit of it to drink, too. Water flowing out of taps/faucets. Water filling baths and sinks. Streams, rivers, lakes, the sea. We are quite a wet planet, and the kid needs to know it! But not with this sign. It is next to useless me putting this sign here, although you might choose to use it. I think we might have appropriated this sign for "drink", or something.

No, we make a "W" with three fingers and then tap the mouth with the index finger of the "W".

Puddles. Don't forget puddles.

10. Help. "Put flat hand under 'heavy' fist to help lift it." One thing signing has "helped" with is Annabeth being able to grasp the concept of something. Before she was speaking, we would see her having trouble with a task, and we would approach, making the sign and saying, "Would you like some help with that? Help?" And we would do whatever it was she was trying to do - reach a book, or get the lid off something. Quite quickly - and, we like to believe, instead of throwing a tiny tantrum - she would turn to us with her hands clasped together, pumping up and down in an approximation of the plea for "help".

With that last one in mind, you will often find that your child will make their best attempt at emulating the sign, and it might be a moment before you latch on to what she is saying. Context is everything.

We say it is well worth putting in the effort to do this. Pretty much without exception, Bethy was making the sign before she could speak. So, she was certainly able to communicate on that level. And I have no doubt that it eased the tension of many situations because she was able to tell us what she wanted: "More!", "Help!", "Feeeeeeeedies!"

Measuring Progress On A Sliding Scale. A Trilogy: Part 1 - Solo Flight.

2007-01-11T14:04:00.000Z

Peek-a-boo

2007-01-10T06:43:00.000Z

Shh...WW

House For Sale: Sea Views - 360 Degrees.

2007-01-09T18:13:00.000Z

Fancy moving you and your family to a house by *oops* in the sea? But it's not just a home, it's a Principality. You could be King and/or Queen. Your children Princes and Princesses!

Sealand has, apparently, come up for sale.

This, from Felixstowe TV:

"Sealand Up For Transfer
Self-proclaimed principality Sealand is offering the transfer of its tenancy for a nine-figure Euro sum. The transfer of the World War II Fort previously known as Roughs Tower, around 6 miles off the coast and visible from Felixstowe, is available through Spanish land and estate agents InmoNaranja."

(NB: If you want to be freaked out by this monstrosity, then click on the above image, save the resulting bigger picture on to your hard drive, then open it. Then hide.)

More interesting ("very" in a Mark Twainee style) information can be found here at D*** Interesting

Digg Community Gives James Kim An Almighty Beating

2007-01-07T14:53:00.000Z

Hundreds in the Digg community have gathered round to give James Kim an almighty beating. James Kim was a senior editor at CNET who died recently in tragic circumstances.

The wrath of the Digg community was stirred by an article by Spencer Kim, James' father, published in The Washington Post. 2576 diggs and rising.

One can't help hearing hundreds of voices raised in accusation, blaming James Kim for leaving his wife a widow and his children without a father. 240+ have given the "thumbs up" to one of the opening comments, which starts, "You know, I feel bad for the guy and all, but...", while many of the comments offering sympathy have been given the thumbs down. Several of the comments are loud and terrifying.

It is a particularly vicious and brutal scene of necroflagellation, and is quite possibly one of the most unsettling pieces you are likely to read for a long time.

For something more uplifting, please go to:
James Kim: 1971-2006
Remembering James Kim

To make a donation:
jamesandkati.com

Amazing Observations This Week

2007-01-06T19:38:00.000Z

"I saw something, I think. A pod, I think."

We were driving along and could hear her chattering away in the back seat.

"What did you see, Beth?"

"A pod, I think."

"A what?"

"A pod. Water."

Ohhh, a pond. (Alright, you got it straight away, but, you know, the engine noise, the concentration, the turning around without crashing -)

I make no apology for being astounded at a 28 month-old choosing a different word in order to help her parents understand what she saw.

Later, in a coffee shop, she described the ceiling lights reflected in the window as "flying in the sky." Darnit, we've spawned a genius.

Anyway, I really wanted to "big up" several sites hosting Blog Carnivals over the next few weeks:

How To Build The Life You Want
Bryan C Fleming
Widows Quest
Creating A Better Life
Victor Fam
bobbarama's humor carnival
Polliwog Presents: Carnival Of Good Stuff
An Island Life - Carnival Of Family Life

Fear Comes Clad In Green Boots - 5 Surefire Steps To Beating Defeating Thinking

2007-01-05T18:43:00.000Z

They call it Green Boots Cave. Very imaginative. They call it that because they can't be sure of the name of the dead man who still wears them. But they can certainly see the fluorescent green boots, looking brand new, that stick out from a shallow limestone alcove near the summit of Everest, a stark reminder of how quickly and easily death can overtake you in that harsh and unforgiving climate. It is a macabre landmark on the route to peak: "At this point you'll be stepping over the guy in green boots. The body looks very much alive."
It is a shocking image, a reminder that a whole world of preparation does not guarantee success. The three Indian climbers had reached the summit in May 1996. They died on the way down. Two are missing, the other is not. It doesn't count, if you die on the way down.

Setting goals can be a frightening prospect. Like the lure of the highest peak, there is something other-worldly about the attraction. We want to attain something, to beat the odds, somehow to make us feel like better people, like heroes - even if only in our own world. But setting goals can also be a life-changing experience, something we know matters so much because our lives are affected adversely by the way we are right now. So we want to change. But there is the constant spectre of failure. What if I don't make it? What if I become another unnamed casualty in this unremitting panorama. "Not many make it, you know, perhaps 1 in 50,000. The odds are pretty much stacked." Hey, thanks for the vote of confidence. Step over me on the way up, why don't you.

And it is a struggle all the way. There can be hours of preparation; you can put yourself on the rock face; acclimatise; get all the right gear. You can fix your heart on a goal; draw up a plan and lay out the steps; bravely venture forth and put yourself out there - only to find yourself getting cold and confused, slowing down and getting disoriented.

So, how do we make sure that doesn't happen? How do we make sure not to sit down and give up?

They say that when you are above 8000 metres your brain pretty much freezes. Thoughts become slow and deceptive. Well, we are not at 8000 metres, and we can talk back to the deceptive thinking that we scare ourselves with. Talk back, that's right. Most of the time we are lying to ourselves, anyway. Why give up and fade away over something that may not even be true? That's the Green Boots voice, whispering messages of failure. It is the voice sabotaging our best intentions, and we need to be able to talk back to it whatever our goal might be.

Here are 5 Definitive Steps to Talking Back:

1. Listen to what you are saying. Hear the whispering voice. You could even write down what it says, and the responses as you follow through.

2. Identify the distorted thinking pattern. And, yes, this is taken from Feeling Good by Dr David D Burns. Bookmark those DTPs wherever you can find them!

3. Recognise how it makes you feel emotionally.

4. Replace the distorted thinking with accurate and realistic thinking.

5. Immediately feel better. Even if it is just some relief.

These 5 steps work wonders on any self-defeating thinking we may be going through. From major to minor. Let's take something familiar to illustrate it.

Let's take embarking on a weblog.

You lay the groundwork. You think about a subject you are passionate about, something you may be able to write about with enthusiasm at least several times a week, if not every day. Parenting? Okay.

And already you begin to hear the voice, the whispering voice:

Green Boots (GB): But there are so many Parenting sites, so many variations, what's the point?

Great, now I feel nervous and a bit nauseous. So, you have to answer it back. You must.

Me: But that would Disqualifying The Positive. What I say to that is: Exactly! There are so many because they can all coexist. Don't treat them as competition; they are fellow bloggers. Interact; comment on their posts. Be honest and friendly.

Hey, I don't feel so queasy anymore!

GB: But what if they don't like me, what if they don't respond?

Me: Okay, so now I'm actually scared. But that is called Jumping To Conclusions and it is a drain on your oxygen supply. Maybe they will like you, maybe they won't, and what difference does it make anyway? People are busy, they don't have time to write and respond to every message they receive. They have lives to lead and families to look after. There could be umpteen reasons why your comment goes seemingly unheeded. Just concentrate on what you can make a difference to - your own blog. Keep posting, keep writing, keep meeting your realistic target. Write honestly and enthusiastically. Hmmm, the fear is lifting.

GB: No one is reading it? You started it on Monday, you checked it on Tuesday, and you only had 1 person who had subscribed to the feed - and that was you!

Me: Cheers. Now I don't just feel scared, I feel stupid. Well, that could be All-Or-Nothing Thinking, or Should Statements - yes, a disguised "should" statement - I should have more subscribers than that. Why? It flies in the face of just about every Number One suggestion that you find on the Internet. Be Patient. That is what they say - Be Patient. These things take time to build up. Just concentrate on the important things. Write, write, write. But I don't write very well? That might be the case. So we can improve, eh? What do you have? Passion? Enthusiasm? A willingness to learn? So learn. Read successful blogs and see what makes them work. Be imaginative, then allow time to improve your technique. Good. I'm feeling calm again, and not so stupid.

GB: Dr Blogstein called you a "Mom". How lame is that, Loser?

Me: Okay it stung a little, but now you're just being rude! As well as Labeling and Personalising, that is also Filtering - only letting the negative through. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough that I was a Dad. And, you know, so what. It is me and Kath. Most of the other entrants were Mums, so it was an easy assumption to make. And, hey, he watched the video three times! And he said some cool things about the Moms - that they were great, and that he loves them. That's you, man!

So, there it is. It's called Talking Back. Something that is not very easy at 8000 metres. Not letting the discouraging voice - the Green Boots voice - sap you of strength until you can do nothing but sit down and lie down and stay down. If you talk back with realistic responses you can feel the air clear and the courage return. You have given yourself two years. So give yourself two years. Give yourself more if you have enjoyed it. Look back over the posts - all the ones with Z.E.R.O. comments. Look at the photos, recall the occasions, enjoy the memories. And, above all: Don't Give Up.

(Entered into The Write-Away Contest at Scribbit)

5 Essential Parenting "No-Needs"

2007-01-04T16:59:00.000Z

I was visiting the Superstore yesterday when I was suddenly struck with a blinding realization. Five of them, actually:

No Need For Toys. "Want to see toys," she said, just about the moment we stepped into Waitrose. I set her down on the ground at the entrance, and she was off. She's two-and-a-bit! She led the way from the vegetable department , around many corners, all the way to the toys. We all know we have to go to the same shop three or more times a week. Well, that's Toy Time for Toddler. It's something to look forward to for the little'un. She'll have her fill for the inbetween-times. And the bonus? What we spend in the shop, we save in not having to buy toys. Hurrah!
No Need For Books. Ahhh, lots of free bookshelf space. No more ripped pages and skidding on dangerous kiddy-lit. At least not at home. The Superstore has lots of books, all at just the right height. Hours of reading fun can be had at absolutely no cost. Any damaged books can be surreptitiously slipped behind the new stack. All the new titles are available. We know they get bored of a book after the first page. How sick do you feel about that when you forked out good money for it? Well, that can be a thing of the past.
No Need For Talking. Those kiddy machines do all the talking for you. They give them instructions on what button to press, in a voice that your child falls in love with immediately. Even starts imitating the inflection. She'll learn rhymes and songs. She'll learn her A-B-Cs and her 1-2-3s, and a lot quicker than you can teach them, you know it's true. "Find the Zero. Press the Zero." Quick as a flash "Zero" Eh? What was that? I was distracted at the time, and when I looked down in astonishment and disbelief, she was standing with a visage of pure innocent intelligence. So, that led to...
No Need For School. Of course not. "Where are you taking Bethy? Tudor Road Primary?" "No, I'm taking her to Waitrose."
No Need For Daycare or a Sitter. Leave them at the toys while you go shopping. Or go anywhere. You could probably go away for the afternoon (and evening, if it is late opening) and you would still return to find them standing in front of a whole bank of V-Tech gizmos, all activated and playing at slightly different times, with her deftly keeping them going like an international plate-spinner, completely unaware that you have been away. "Hello, Daddy. Good to see you."

Picking Up The Warning Signs

2007-01-03T09:35:00.000Z

You know that maybe you are making her listen to too much of your music when you forget the words and she fills them in.

"Where does this leave us? I'm scared of the...umm"

"Storm, I think."

"Drawing patterns with a cork on the..."

"Table cloth...I think. I think."

Woody Allen's Favourite Joke

2007-01-03T06:53:00.000Z

This guy goes to buy a horse. The horse seems to check out when he's buying it, and the owner says to him before he buys, “I have to tell you one thing though. He's got a bad habit. He likes to sit on grapefruits.” And the guy buying the horse says, “Okay, that's the only thing wrong with him?” The owner says yes. The guy thinks, “He said grapefruits - all right,” and he pays for the horse. He's taking it home with him. And they're going across a stream and suddenly the horse sits down and won't get up. The guy doesn't know what to do. He runs back to the guy he bought it from. “I bought a horse from you, you tell me there's one thing wrong, that he likes to sit on grapefruits. He's sitting in the middle of a stream, I can't get him to move.” And the guy says, “Oh! I forgot to tell you. He also sits on fish.”
Point, Counterpoint (Q&A Excerpt) Written By Magazine December 2005

Annabeth sits on books.

Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #4

2007-01-01T14:04:00.000Z

Annie Hayden - The Rub
With her sweet voice and quirky sound, Annie Hayden has been a lullaby choice for a long time. She has a rare release schedule, but when she does put out an album, it is well worth the wait. The Rub is her first solo effort, and starts off in a thrilling cascade of sound, a winding introduction to the beauty of Start A Little Late. This and Wood And Glue are the highlights of a short and melodic set of songs. Easy to rock to, light enough to lull. Also, check out The Enemy Of Love.

Start A Little Late

Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #1
Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #2
Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #3

Grandad's Retirement Party - Yeah, Right!

2006-12-31T07:38:00.000Z

I felt the breeze of a slipstream as a white stripe flashed past and shot round the bend. Curtains fluttered and papers settled back down on tables. The sound of footsteps faded into nothing, and all went quiet. Gradually, the sound picked up again, fast approaching; cups began to rattle, and pictures shook on the walls. A klaxon sounded: "Where's Robbit?" And Bethy whipped round the corner at pace, stripped down to a nappy and vest. She deftly avoided tables and imperceptibly switched sideways to negotiate gaps, narrowly missing unforgiving edges, and tore passed with her curly blond locks streaming out behind her.
"Where's Ankoo Robbit?"
I swear there was the Doppler effect.

We were at Nana and Grandad's for the afternoon. Katherine and her sisters had put together a small party to celebrate Grandad's early retirement from work. The house describes a circuit, as living room joins kitchen, which in turn joins hallway, which leads back to living room.
Uncle Robert was hiding in the hall, crouched behind the laundry basket, his legs jutting out and his head barely hidden by the lid. Bethy missed him every time.
"Where is Ankoo Robbit?" She called out, and then finally discovered him only because he couldn't contain his muffled laughter any longer. She shrieked with delight, and then pushed him behind the laundry basket to hide again.
Eventually they collapsed into the living room, but after a moment's rest, she climbed on to his lap and then walked up his chest and turned a somersault, secure in his strong safe hands. He lifted her up by the waist, then down, then up again, higher, by her thighs. She stretched up with her arms.
"Bethy's reaching the sky."
He dropped her down quickly and she laughed madly, "More! More!" Her bunched fingers coming together in a blur, making the sign with her hands, "More reaching the sky."
Robert raised her up again, higher this time, and she touched the ceiling. And then her tight tummy muscles were lifting her legs up and she was crawling upside down, once, then twice. She could barely contain herself. As a last hurrah, Robert flipped her right over and raised her up with her legs in the air.
"You're walking on the ceiling!" He declared, and she took several steps before being twirled back down to the floor and onto her Mummy's lap. There, she stayed.

Later they looked at a montage of Robert and Joanna's photos, Bethy sitting on his lap, dressed in pajamas, as he pointed out different people. She soon joined in, picking out familiar faces, "There's Robbit. There's Joanna. There's Mummy."
Afterwards, she pulled everything off the sofa, in order to demonstrate the game she and Robert had been playing. He swept her up and crashed into the cushions with her hugged in his arms, "Bundle!"
Bethy laughed breathlessly, her hair disheveled and her face glowing, "More bandoo," and he did it again.
Dizzily she clambered on to the sofa and pitched herself sideways, left and right.
"Bandoo!"
Robert scooped her up and brought her down, "Bottom bundle! Boing, boing, boing."
"More bot-tin bandoo," she screamed, and he grabbed her up and landed her down with a bump.
She bounced off, "Boingy bandoo," she squealed, "boingy, boingy, boingy." And she hopped out of the room, into the kitchen and round the corner, leaving us all exhausted.

As the day came to an end, we all piled into the car and set off for home. Bethy fell asleep singing The Kooks, Robert's music.
"Ooh la. She was such a good girl to me. Yaay...bandoo..."
It may have been Grandad's retirement party, but it was Ankoo Robbit's day.

Gotta Make Some Changes

2006-12-30T08:22:00.000Z

Melissa Petri at The Parenting Weblog has some great resolutions she is determined to put into practice over the next year - and probably forever. These suggestions are so good you'll just want to adopt them whatever time of year it is. Why not get over there and add a few of your own.

The Parenting Weblog

Several Carnivals Coming Up Soon

2006-12-30T01:30:00.000Z

Lost And Found And How To Respond

2006-12-29T23:37:00.000Z

Yay.

Apparently that's the correct response when Daddy unearths your long-lost friends.

Pooh and Tigger have been missing for over a week. All seemed hopeless. Even Bethy would make reference to them without any consternation when I reminded her that they were missing. It was understood that they were gone.

"Will be glad when they turn up," was her resigned response.

In a moment if inspiration this morning I took a stick and swiped under the dresser. Out came Pooh. Out came Tigger. A feeling of unspeakable joy exploded in my breast. What a remarkable discovery! Eagerly, I gathered the whole gang together: Pooh and Tigger rejoined Piglet, Eeyore, and Rabbit. Proudly I stood them on the edge of the piano, Pooh first, then Tigger, displaying the lost that had returned.

"Yay."

That was it.

Needless to say, when I pointed out where I had found them, they all got chucked back under, and I had to re-enact the moment of discovery. Rabbit got stuck a bit longer than the others. I had to pull the heavy pine dresser away from the wall to extract him. Bethy was happily occupied with something else by then. I don't think I'll let her play with them anymore.

First thing this morning, Beth found Piglet. It wasn't "yay" then.

"I found piglet. I found PIGLET. I FOUND PIGLET!!"

Dealing With The Wheezing

2006-12-29T08:06:00.000Z

We had a little old man sitting with us at the dinner table last night. Poor Bethy had been wheezing most of the day. The cough she was developing has somehow made its way onto her chest - maybe because of playing on the floor in a friend's dusty house. Actually, put her in her dressing gown and it would have been as if Yoda had gone over to the dark side: "Mmmmm, meat this is - wheeze, wheeze."

She was perky enough, the problem was trying to stop her from talking: "Want my - wheeze, wheeze - sticker book - wheeze, wheeze - please." And bouncing. And laughing. Katherine almost brought on a severe attack by giving her the giggles on the bed in the evening.

So, we had the humidifier going all day; we put her in a bath with lots of aromatics in a hot steamy bathroom; we upped her dose of homeopathic remedy; and Katherine ground away in the kitchen making an assortment of natural remedies, like onion syrup. I'm sure at one point I caught her rubbing garlic and coconut oil on her chest and back, but I couldn't be certain.

Whatever she was doing seemed to work. By the evening her breathing was a lot less laboured. Don't you just hate seeing your baby suffer, in any small way.

How Do I Handle The So-Called Terrible Twos?

2006-12-28T07:10:00.000Z

Last night, Bethy was finding it hard to get to sleep. She is not too well anyway, and when we took her upstairs to get her ready for bed, she went a bit crazy.

"Not want my 'jamas on. Not want my 'jamas on, pleeeease."

We persevered because, you know, it was night, and time for bed, and she needed her pajamas on. She didn't know what she was saying. Well, she kicked and struggled and cried out, but, my goodness, I wrestled those pajama legs on.

"Get them off! Take them off, pleeease!"

I came to my senses and quickly took her pajamas off. With the help of her Mummy, she quickly settled. Not long after, she called for me,

"Got cold feet."

"How about we put your fluffy pajamas on."

She nodded, and the pajamas went on without incident.

"Bethy was crying up here."

"Oh, yes?" Was all it needed.

When a child is called ugly or stupid or clumsy, something does happen to the child. There are reactions in his body and in his soul.

Abusive adjectives attached to a personality have a devastating effect.
Dr Haim G Ginott

Whoever coined the term "Terrible Twos" was an idiot. R Sullivan

This little person reaches an age where they are beginning to feel their experiences - actually feel them and register them: happiness, sadness, frustration, love, hate, annoyance - sorry, I embarked on a list which is pretty much endless. It must be like a freaky LSD hit, all these vague sensations are suddenly heightened. Kaboom! Along with that, they are seriously getting the mastery over language but are incapable of putting into words the vast array of turmoil their spirit is going through. How are you supposed to deal with that?

Now, when they want a cookie and M or D turn them down, saying they have had enough cookies, it's, "What in the name of everything infantile is this I'm feeling?" And the only way it can be expressed is, "No no no no no no no no no no no..." or some other demand repeated over and over with rising hysteria, reaching a climax of heart-rending floods of tears.

Parents are caught off guard by this behaviour, not least because it seems to happen overnight. We lose our senses, we don't quite know how to respond, and we resort to dealing with it in ways we know are not the most constructive.

On top of all that, seemingly wise adults with degrees give the phase a stupid catchphrase which programmes parents into laying the blame at the feet of the defenseless child.

"I'm going through this and all you can do is lump me with a double-barreled guilt trip? Remind me to thank you in my teens."

Sure, it is a challenging time, but it is up to us as parents to find a variety of ingenious ways of easing our little ones through this maelstrom. This is how we do it:

Remain calm. I know this is hardly a life-threatening crisis, but you might be surprised by how rapidly your panic level rises.

Be patient, don't get angry quickly.

Expect this to happen and be prepared. This has the added benefit of being pleasantly surprised when it doesn't happen.

Show empathy. Tell her what she is feeling: "You are really frustrated about that." Build up their emotional vocabulary. Tell her what she wanted: "Those biscuits are so delicious. You really wanted another one."

Be reasonable. Choose your battles. Is it something that you can back down on?

If you feel strongly about it, stick with your decision and simply concentrate on addressing how your child is feeling. There is no need for apologies and lengthy explanations.

Don't feel as if you have to make your child happy again. You are there for them to help them cope with the experience of feeling upset.

When it's over, don't bring it up again.

DylanWatch #2: Fighting Dirty

2006-12-26T23:18:00.000Z

I've taught her too well.

Just on the brink of NYPD Blue starting, and Beth wakes up. She isn't well, poor thing, but, umm, thing is, NYPD Blue is just starting. It's the last series.
"Read a book."
"It's just starting, Beth."
"Read a book just starting."
"But, Beth..."
She starts to cry. Darn it. But her mind is still sharp.
"Go upstairs. Listen to some music."
Heh.
"Go upstairs. Listen to some Bob Dylan."
Oooooh!

I start to sing Jokerman and a mix up of other lyrics. It calms her down. The ads come on and I take her upstairs.
"Listen to some Bob Dylan?" She slurs.
I switch on the player and Bob sings Everything Is Broken. Yeah, right.
It takes a while for Beth to settle. Then she's snuffling off to sleep.

Oh, well. It's repeated on Sunday.

The Z-Lister's Line

2006-12-26T23:04:00.000Z

When you're just starting out, you need all the help you can get.

Creative Think
Soloride
Movie Marketing Madness
Blog Till You Drop!
Get Shouty!
One Reader at a Time
Critical Fluff
The New PR
Own Your Brand!
OTOInsights
bizandbuzz
Work, in Plain English
Buzz Canuck
New Millenium PR
Pardon My French
Troy Worman's Blog
The Instigator Blog
AENDirect
Diva Marketing
Marketing Hipster
The Marketing Minute
Funny Business
The Frager Factor
Mindblob
Open The Dialogue
Word Sell
Note to CMO:
That's Great Marketing!
Shotgun Marketing Blog
BrandSizzle
bizsolutionsplus
Customers Rock!
Being Peter Kim
Pow! Right Between The Eyes! Andy Nulman’s Blog About Surprise
Billions With Zero Knowledge
Working at Home on the Internet
MapleLeaf 2.0
darrenbarefoot.com
Two Hat Marketing
The Engaging Brand
The Branding Blog
CrapHammer
Drew's Marketing Minute
Golden Practices
Viaspire
Tell Ten Friends
Flooring the Consumer
Kinetic Ideas
Unconventional Thinking
Buzzoodle
Conversation Agent
The Copywriting Maven
Hee-Haw Marketing
Scott Burkett's Pothole on the Infobahn
Multi-Cult Classics
Logic + Emotion
Branding & Marketing
Popcorn n Roses
On Influence & Automation
Bullshitobserver
Servant of Chaos
converstations
eSoup
Presentation Zen
Dmitry Linkov
aialone
John Wagner
Nick Rice
CKs Blog
Design Sojourn
Frozen Puck
The Sartorialist
Small Surfaces
Africa Unchained
Perspective
gDiapers
Marketing Nirvana
Bob Sutton
¡Hola! Oi! Hi!
Shut Up and Drink the Kool-Aid!
Women, Art, Life: Weaving It All Together
Community Guy
Social Media on the fly
Jeremy Latham’s Blog
SMogger Social Media Blog
Masey.com
The Simple Dollar
RightWingBob
Evil and Balance
Thea Gilmore
BlogU
Mark Taw

Being Taught Appreciation

2006-12-26T15:46:00.000Z

"This is lubby."
We were walking in the town park, on one of those circuitous paths you feel a mild loathing for. I had never described it as "lovely". We made our way through to where the birds were caged.
"I like it." She declared, seeing a couple of chickens and a cockerel. "I want to touch it."
She ran to another cage. "What's in that one?"
A squirrel ran by and dashed up a cutting. Bethy went in pursuit. "Come on!" She shouted to me over her shoulder.
The squirrel scampered up a fence. Bethy slowly approached with her hands behind her back, in a semi crouch. "Come back down again."
She turned away, and spotted another squirrel running along the top of a cage. "Have to run and see it." The squirrel stopped and eyed us both up.
Bethy turned for the playground. "There's another kirrel!" She yelled as one hared across the expanse of grass. "Have to bounce like a kirrel." And she made little bunny hops. The squirrel darted through the adventure playground and disappeared into the undergrowth.
"Where are you kirrel? Where are you?"

We arrived at the swings and Beth clambered on to the orange cradle. "Right in the sky," she cried out, as I pushed her. Then, "I don't want to be right in the sky."
"Go on that one?" She asked, and headed for one of the tiny swings. I grunted "oof" as I picked her up to put her in. "Oi vey!" She said with a mischievous smile. "I like 'oi vey'"
She grinned giddily as she swung back and forth. "King Daddy!" She laughed. "You are King Daddy!"
I struck a muscular pose: "I am!"
"Daddy is Goliath!"
I dinged myself on the forehead, smote by David's stone.
"I don't like Daddy being Goliath." But she giggled as I feigned falling backwards.
We had imaginary ice-cream in the dank shelter and then went and sat on the cradle swing again. We both leaned back and looked at the sky. "It's very nice."

After we had played on all the rides Bethy suggested we go to The Croft. "It was nice going through there," she said, pointing down the lubby path, "seeing the chickens."
I put her on my shoulders, and we set off across town.
She leaned down: "Want a cuddle." And I swung her down and hugged her. "Bethy was happy."
We rounded a corner and came out at the start of The Croft.
"I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it." She shouted, running to the water. A little wall was too high for her to see over. "I'm standing on tip toes."
We walked around to where the wall was lower. "I can see on tip toes." The ducks and swans gathered in front of us. "I like it, I like it." She repeated.

We wandered in to a hotel to look at the old mill wheel. It is huge, but badly lit and neglected. "I like it," she claimed at first, but then was overcome by the wheel's gloomy silence. "I don't like it."
But the fossilised cat remains? That she liked. Two times.

We carried on, down by one of the tributaries.
"Play Pooh sticks?" The water was very still, but I pointed out a bridge up ahead and said we could try there. She checked out prospective sticks on the way.
When we got to the bridge I could see that the water was not doing any moving.
"Play Pooh Sticks."
"The water's not moving, Bethy."
"Okay. Play Pooh Sticks."
"Problem is, the water's not moving. It won't go under."
"Just...Drop...A...Stick...In."
We did. Sure enough, the stick slowly disappeared under the bridge. We went to the other side. After a while it came into view.
"There it is." She shouted, gleefully. "Do another one."
After about five goes it was eventually even too slow for her and we made our way home.
Bethy outlined her plans for the remainder of the afternoon: "See Mummy. Have a feedies."

We stepped through the door and she did just that. With the addition of falling asleep.

The Art Of Communication and (Un)Successful Negotiation

2006-12-25T23:50:00.000Z

I. Me. You.

Not such an easy concept to grasp, eh? Teach that to the baboons, Dawkins.

Looking at photos:
"Ahh, it's you, Bethy."
"It's you."
"No, not me. You."
See what's happening here, daddio?
Next picture:
"Hey, it's me!"
"It's me!"
Okay.
Later:
"I need to go into town."
"Come wiss me?"
"I really need to do this, Beth."
Kate, who understands: "No, she means she wants to go with you. You say, 'Do you want to come with me?'"
Me: Two monkeys and a yo-yo.

You know she's got it when you say:
"Want to do it with myself?" In a child's voice.
"No, I want to do it by myself."
Go fetch.

She has occasionally taken to combining reading and subliminal message sending. This morning she had her Ralph The Rabbit book.
"Ra - doo - bah - Ralph - a - rab - bit need - a bik - kit. Yes, I need a bikkit."
Took me a moment to twig. I ran through the alternatives:
"Weetabix?"
"No."
"Porridge?"
"No."
"Humous and pittas?"
"Errrrrrr, no."
Why do I care about biscuits at breakfast? They're wholesome aren't they?
"Marmite on toast? Marmite on bread?"
That'll be a, "No. No."
Change the subject.

Alternatives to the biscuit have been:
While running her finger along the page: "(mumble mumble) Doo - la - I - want - a - feedies."
Mummy: "That's what it says does it?"
"Yes," running her finger again, "I - want - a - feed - eees."

Also today: Life's a musical. Most everything was sung.

Things A Man Should Know: About Fatherhood

2006-12-25T12:23:00.001Z

Things A Man Should Know: About Fatherhood

72 "Things", to be precise. Very funny, moving, poignant and a little bit rude. Much like fatherhood.

Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #3

2006-12-24T21:37:00.000Z

"My shoes went off!"

A collapsed Goliath had twinkling blue lights dancing around his feet.

REM - Around The Sun
This next entry in a growing catalogue of "music to rock her to sleep to" could have been posted at number 1. Since Bethy was very small I have been crooning the words to the opening track: I told you, forever/ I love you, forever/ I told you, I love you/ I love you, forever. Now, she knows Leaving New York too well to fall asleep. The good news is that Electron Blue is metronomic, lulling the little lady into stupefaction. The Outsiders is just plain soporific. She's out for the count.

The Outsiders

Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #1
Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #2

A First Time For Everything

2006-12-23T23:57:00.000Z

The stairs creaked. I don't know how she managed to slip out of bed and pad across the bedroom floor without being heard - normally, it's like a bag of new potatoes falling off the shelf. But our stairs would give anyone away. Downstairs at the kitchen table I sat up, alert. Gently I eased the chair back and tiptoed to the door. With one finger I quietly pushed the door open, eager to steal a view of this thing that was going on.

"Come in, please." She bellowed.

Alfie comes down the stair forwards, holding on to the banisters. That's quite a first. Moving gradually from the beckoning call upstairs, "Daddeeee", to getting out of bed by yourself and coming downstairs. By yourself. What seemed like an age away, only to be read about in books, was now here. Shirley Hughes picture captures the passing of time in one shot. Negotiating the stairs "like Annie Rose" was always fun, but seemed to be an accomplishment always involving the parents. But suddenly, here's a person coming down the stairs forwards of her own volition. Still, it's done now. There's no going back.

Remembering firsts is something every parent likes to do, but it is so often done months or years later. And often they are simply forgotten because all this learning is done and picked up so quickly that everything seems to pass by in a flash. The first time she lifted her head, the first time he rolled over, the first time she sat up. And stayed up.

But there are some things that are a little bit bigger. The first mumbled "I love you" is a jaw-dropper, isn't it? It usually happens so suddenly that it's a nanosecond later it clicks what has just been said. The barely contained glee bursting out of you can be so alarming to the child that they are likely to retract the statement as quickly as it was made. But this time with less mumbling.

"Don't love you. Go away."

Nope. Sorry. First words count.

Other firsts seem to happen instantaneously. One moment you're stuffing her feet in to boots and shoes, the next she disappears and reappears wearing them. You turn away from the bed to get something, and when you turn back - hey, presto - she's got her trousers on. You put a bowl of Weetabix in front of her, and by the time you have come back with your toast, she has discovered how to use a spoon and empty a plate. You come in from the cold and start peeling off your coats - no sooner have you hung yours up than she's standing there with hers off and bundled about her feet. When did she learn to do that?

And then there's the first question. I was rocking Annabeth to sleep one evening to the sound of Karen Peris. Me, eyes closed, shaking my head and lightly la-la-la-ing. She reached up and placed a finger on my chin: "Why are you doing that?" Ummm. And the next day she was asking her Mummy "what's this" and "why" that. There it was. In a moment, she had mastered the art of the extremely-difficult-to-answer- by-dint-of-its-sheer-banality question.

How Will She Grow?

2006-12-21T15:33:00.000Z

"Daddy's was sad! Daddy's was sad!"
We both woke up to Bethy crying in the night. Happily it didn't take long to settle her back down again; we don't have far to travel and we all snuggle down and keep warm.

What was that dream all about? Who knows. Asking seems, to me, to be fraught with difficulty because she might feel anxious about what to answer. And making suggestions might only force her to agree with whatever you say out of a need not to upset you. Surely the best thing is just to hold her close and give her calm reassurance: "I'm here. Mummy's here. Daddy's here. We're right here, Bethy." All the same, they weren't the most comforting words to hear your little one exclaiming. She wandered around for part of the morning with a lump of blue playdough in her had saying things like, "Crying man. Need to pat him."

How will she grow?

What is a growing sense of empathy? How can you tell? When is sensitivity turning into over-sensitivity? I don't know the answers to these questions. But I do know that I fully intend to keep embracing Dr Ginott's exhortation: "To make a mensch you have to use menschy ways."

I think things are going okay, though. She doesn't like to see anyone in perilous situations, from Squirrel Nutkin to Goliath. A crying baby in a picture dictionary merits a cuddle. I tumbled over as Goliath smitten by David's pebble - she'd already run through and struck her forehead with a resounding "DING!", something I hadn't demonstrated for months - but it was to a prone Goliath that she gently approached, "Are you alright?" Walking through town she perks up and turns her head, "I'm hearing a crying baby." These have all got to be steps in the right direction, surely.

In the same room with the television today, she was suddenly aware of the reporter speaking directly into the camera. "Stop looking at Bethy," she warned, and ran out of the room. Not sure where that's going.

DylanWatch #1: Indoctrination and Perseverence

2006-12-20T22:41:00.000Z

It starts artfully enough, innocent looking. Flash up a CD cover, point out pictures in your magazines, "That's Bahb," in a humourous drawling accent, and more seriously, "Bob Dylan, Annabeth," as if you're formally introducing them. Which, of course, you are. Borrow books from the library, large picture books, and read them in her presence. She'll soon sidle over. Guaranteed within a day or two she'll be telling you it's "Bob Dylan."
The music itself is a shoo in. Unmistakable and unforgettable. I knew I'd hit the big time when I came in from work with my mp3 player still playing and she picked up a headphone and held it to her ear. "Bob...Dylan." And that was pretty early on.
I felt I was being mocked on several occasions when any old long-haired artist - and once, an old lady walking down the street - was declared as "looks like Bob Dylan," but then I resigned myself to the fact that it was just a high accolade. Why, tapping her foot on the floor was once described as being "like Bob Dylan does."
Eventually, a few weeks ago, came the words every ~~obsessive~~ Dylan appreciator longs to hear. Time for bed and choosing music: "Bob Dylan?" She suggests.
"Yeah, I really enjoyed listening to that this afternoon, Bethy."
"Bethy likes Bob Dylan."
Wait for it.
"Bob Dylan is Bethy's...favourite."
Along with oat cakes, lift'a'flap books, and yellow crayons. But that doesn't matter. For now: Dylan.
Whistle the tune to Man Gave Names To All The Animals and she takes it up: "In the beginning, long time ago." Sing the chorus to Ye Shall Be Changed or Jokerman, and it is "like Daddy and Bethy listen to." It is all going exactly as it should.

But how long will it last?

DylanWatch will keep you up to date.

This evening I suggested Bob Dylan.
"Naaaah."
I put it on anyway. She fell asleep to I Want You. She's not getting away with it that easily. She had been to the osteopath, and was dog-tired. She wasn't thinking clearly.

"What's 'hat You Sayin'?"

2006-12-19T21:36:00.000Z

"Come and see what Bethy's doing."
We came through to find her unraveling a cassette, surrounded by a growing ball of unspooled tape.
"Did you have a feeling that it wasn't right?"
"Yassss."

From where in the world ("the whole wide world") do these little ones build their amazing vocabulary and turn of phrase? It can only be from absorbing everything around them - subliminal messages, books, video, whatever - and ripping it into their own mash-up. Here are some of our faves so far:

"I'm doing it with myself." The request for independence in most activities these days.

"Go downstairs, if you want, if you want, if you...wish."

"Where's the bear gone?" It drops onto her lap. "He's turned up."

"You can try." The heartfelt appeal to get us to do something, including taking her to the park.

"Bethy hears a woofing sound." You can substitute "woofing" with "ringing", if you want.

"You happy now?" The doe eyes, the appealing look. Usually after a, er, shall we say, disciplinary exchange.

"Errrrrrr, no." Needs to have exactly the right amount of dropped clipped inflection to make it really sting. Like a bow being drawn all the way back, really taut, and then having the string snap. That'll do it.

"I'm freeeezing." Act quickly when this is shrieked in the night.

"Bethy's thinking." Puts finger on chin. "Hmmmmmmmm."

"Cold you are." All the more hilarious when she's wearing her dressing gown. And, no, we're not Star Wars geeks (no disrespect).

"I kiss you." NO WE ARE NOT DEVOTEES OF MAHIR CAGRI

"I'm losing my mind!" Courtesy of Rabbit. Later on she was looking for it. "I'm looking for my mind." In her shepherd's pie. "You losing your mind?"

"I'm all done now." Such a lovely phrase to let a nursing mother feel that she is truly - I don't know - appreciated.

"That's naaasty." When the rice milk is not cold from the fridge. What's this girl on? Caviar?

I'm all done now.

On Letting The Host Set The Boundaries

2006-12-18T21:45:00.000Z

Pram and baby were hanging over the abyss. Nobody could survive a drop like that. And I was breaking out in a cold sweat.

While the cupboard was being built we stayed at Auntie P's house. Bethy was particularly beguiled by the mystery of two majestic doll's houses sitting on the shelf in the neighbouring room.
"What's in the red door and the yellow door?"
Remembering that Dr Ginott encourages parents to let the host set the rules for his own house, I said, "Maybe later, Auntie P will be able to show you."

"Later" came on the afternoon we were packing our things up. While I ferried stuff between the houses Beth agreed to stay with Auntie P. Why wouldn't she, eh? It meant seeing the tiny, tiny things. I think she could've spent forever there, she was still fully engrossed when the move was finished.
"Look, Daddy. Toilet." She said, waving a tiny porcelain at me. "Sick. Baaaath." She showed me all the bathroom furniture. Delicate ceramics Auntie P was allowing her to juggle in her little hands, three thousand miniature feet above the earth's unforgiving surface. Gladly, they all managed to make it safely back into their diminutive domicile.

Then she let her pick an item to take home! She picked two! Three if you include the microscopic baby that came with the nineteenth century imitation perambulator with the movable hood that could face it in both directions. What was Auntie P playing at? Still, with Dr Ginott's words ringing 'round my head, I weakly feigned excitement.

I obviously haven't fully embraced the ethic because I can't keep my eyes off those blimmin' pieces. I'm forever gathering them into one place and taking a three-item audit, making sure they remain unharmed.
"Bethy's bringing them," she said when we were about to go out.
"I think we'll leave them here," I choked.
"No. No." She protested.
"I just don't feel very happy you bringing them to the shop." I reasoned.
She balanced them on the chair. "Goodbye," she waved. She hesitated at the door, then went back and placed them on the table. Chair? Table? Table? Chair? Chair? Table? She was reluctant to leave them; but eventually we managed to get away. Success. But those perishing things are going back to their rightful home at the first opportunity, I'm tellin' ya.

This policy can be implemented only when there is agreement between host and guest as to their respective areas of responsibility.

Okay, didn't do that, darn it. And that's where it was coming unstuck. Would have saved a lot of unnecessary consternation, as well. Over a little basket, a pram, and an unfeasibly small - and, I must say, creepy-looking - baby.

Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #2

2006-12-17T15:24:00.000Z

Bethy sat up in bed. Glorious golden rays burst through the blinds, casting celestial shafts of light across the bed clothes, and lit up her face like a cherub.
"Oh no!" She exclaimed in disgust. "The sun."
And she collapsed back and buried her face under the duvet.

On Friday of "The Build", I put this next selection on and started dancing with Beth. "She'll never fall asleep to this (rubbish - implied in tone), will she?" said a voice from the next room, and her Grandad came in with a look of incredulity.

Bob Dylan - The Bootleg Series Volume 1-3
You'd better believe it. If you start at Ye Shall Be Changed, on the third disc, she'll probably be asleep by Every Grain Of Sand, and certainly by Angelina. Dads can gaze wistfully out of the window during Need A Woman, and after you've laid the little one down you may as well let the disc run to the end because Volume 3 makes whatever you paid for this set worth every last penny.

Ye Shall Be Changed

Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #1

Seven Seconds Of Uninhibited ROCKING OUT!!

2006-12-16T15:24:00.000Z

...in the cupboard...

The Cupboard Over The Stairs

2006-12-15T20:41:00.000Z

We've just finished the extension. By "we" I mean Father-in-Law.

It is quite cavernous; we might put a bed in there and some shelves, and turn what would have been Bethy's bedroom into something else. Kidding. But she was determined to get in there with the gang and play throwing them out and throwing them in. Closing the door was also a favourite, though I'm a bit worried that the memory will resurface in thirty years time as being locked in the cupboard under the stairs. Let the record stand: It was over the stairs. And I was in there, too. Fitting that she should want to read The Big Concrete Lorry in there, the great adventure of The Pattersons at No. 26 building an extension, the page-turning drama of having quick-setting cement deposited outside the front door. Oh we laughed at Mr Patterson pulling his trousers on over his PJs.

She tried to coax me up there after dinner, but it wasn't going to happen. I was beginning to feel like that chap in the Barclays ad. I'm sure I heard Bethy audibly singing the words to Man Gave Names To All The Animals in an attempt to change my mind. It almost worked.

The gang (with lifesize mannequin of Annabeth Poppy) demonstrate the hugeness of the new cupboard. "Bethy's Cupboard"

Sticking Two Fingers Up At Mummy

2006-12-13T18:25:00.000Z

I was upstairs on the bed.
"Bethy's doing this," I heard her say from downstairs on her Mother's lap.
"Oh, yes!?" Said Katherine, barely able to keep the surprise out of her voice. "Who showed you that?"
"Daddy did it."

Great...

Earlier in the day, Bethy ran up to me, three fingers clumsily stuck in the air, the other one held down with her thumb. Sometimes two, sometimes three, she proudly showed me her new-found ability. "Like Daddy does."
Why it was "like Daddy does," I'm not quite sure, but she was pleased as punch.

She obviously only managed two when she showed her Mummy.

Grate Expectations

2006-12-11T21:22:00.000Z

It is not helpful to tell the child how sloppy he is, how dirty he looks, and how sick and tired we are of washing and ironing his shirts. A realistic approach does not rely on a child's capacity to put cleanliness ahead of playfulness. Instead, it takes for granted that children's clothes will not stay clean for long. A dozen inexpensive and wash-and-wear shirts contribute more to mental health than do twelve sermons on cleanliness.
Between Parent & Child (Chapter 6: A day in a child's life) - Dr Haim G. Ginott

Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.
Proverbs 13:12

"Bethy's doing it carefully," she said, as she reached across one piece of pita bread and humus, dragging her sleeve through the paste, and picked up another, delicately folding it against her cuff. The new sweater top had come in the post this morning.

The way to stop postponed expectations from making the heart sick, of course, is to change our expectations. That's why Dr Ginott's "realistic approach" is so reassuring. He's talking about everyone's mental health - parent and child. So:

Clothes will get dirty. Pretty much immediately.

Shoes are going to be scuffed.

The walls will, at some point, be written on. Your child will not be the one not to do it.

Dad, those CDs, meticulously alphebetised, will be taken from the shelves; artwork will part company from crystal, little tabs that hold the disc in place will be broken. No matter - disc will be nowhere to be found.

Book pages will be ripped: "Is a lift-the-flap book."

Instructions will need to be issued umpteen times.

These are just a few of the things that can be expected. Feel free to add to the list. Hey, go nuts. And as our expectations become more realistic, mmmmm, calm heart, good mental health, much improved happiness.

Rawk-a-Bye, Baby #1

2006-12-10T15:29:00.000Z

I'm sure some would question my definition of Rock, but that's not the point. Don't hamstring the pun, okay.

Here's one of those incidental lists, in no particular order. Today it was:

Natalie Merchant - The House Carpenter's Daughter
And, do you know, looking at the cover now, like this, I can totally see why Bethy used to do the beardy sign and says, "Man. Man." Poor Natalie and the slightly page-boy hairstyle. Still Bethy likes it, music-wise, particularly the opening groove. And it is particularly good for singing along to.

A minor problem is that she is beginning to know it too well. Sitting bolt upright and chanting "you go home with Sally Ann" doesn't necessarily make for a quick route to slumber. On the plus side, the first three tracks are so soporific that you're pretty much guaranteed a sleeping child by the end of Crazy Man Michael.

Sally Ann

In A Language They Understand...

2006-12-08T20:47:00.000Z

It requires communication in the child's native language of toys and play.
Between Parent & Child (Chapter 8: Some sources of anxiety in children) - Dr Haim G. Ginott

Bethy is self-medicating at the moment; she has a rather ugly-looking blister on her finger and she keeps kissing it whenever it gets in the way or gives her a bit of gyp.
"Bethy's finger is quite sore," I said to Snow Bear.
"Yes," admitted Bethy. She acknowledges it through the go-between. She's a little bit more reluctant to if she's asked outright.

I blame Katherine for the recent enthusiasm for the popular request: "Talk to (insert name of de rigueur toy.)" But it has to be said that it is a sure-fire way - at the moment - of reaching the places normal conversation fails to reach. She fell upon it in one of those moments of mild panic: With no real intention of putting Annabeth to bed straight away, she had taken her up to the bedroom to get her into her pyjamas. Fearing the worst, Beth had worked herself up into a bit of an inconsolable state, eventually crawling to the end of her little bed and remaining there in a sticky-faced mound of tears.
"Go downstairs. Go downstairs," she wailed.
Faced with little girl wanting to be left alone but not wanting to be left alone, Katherine reluctantly took to the stairs to whines of regret. Concerned about awakening in her daughter the ever slumbering fear of abandonment, Kath waited a few moments and then went back upstairs. Annabeth tearfully ignored her. Ever imaginative, Kath picked up Kipper (dog, not fish) and began talking to him.
"Seems like Bethy is not very happy about something, Kipper."
"Maybe she was worried that you had brought her up here to put her to bed," suggested Kipper. There's more than stuffing between those canine ears.
Kate could see Bethy looking at them out of the corner of her eye, then as Mummy continued discussing the situation with Kipper, Bethy lay down and shut her eyes, feigning sleep. "See? See?" Thanks, Kipper. Mother and daughter reconciled.

Today, a group of them had a conference about what they would do seeing as it was pouring with rain outside. Mummy, Snow Bear, Kangaroo, and Annabeth. And later, when she threw her shoes aside in frustration because they wouldn't go on the right feet, it was Snow Bear who was pushed forward as The Negotiator. "Talk to Snow Bear." He was pretty good, as well.
And this evening, as I was trying quickly to put away Pooh Bear and his friends (£4.99 from the Post Office + book. Woo-hoo!) Annabeth came ripping round the corner.
"Want them." Obviously she was bored of them a moment ago.
"You wouldn't have wanted them if you hadn't seen me putting them away," I insisted.
"Okay," she said, and started back to her Mother in the kitchen. She stopped at the door.
"Just Piglet?" She requested, one finger raised up. I know, I can't believe it either.
That was priceless, so we got Piglet out. He was only tiny, after all. And he had been MIA a couple of times already despite only buying them this afternoon. He had aided in establishing that Bethy was still hungry after dinner, and sorted out what she might like to eat.
"Talk to Piglet," she said to Katherine as she settled down for a feed, and she balanced the wee fellow on her Mummy's collarbone. When she fell asleep, Piglet was still clasped in her fist.

Mind you, this ploy doesn't always work. Another time Beth was upset, Kath picked up her Happy Feet ® penguin and started to talk to it; she managed a couple of words before Annabeth ripped the soft toy from her grasp and sent it sailing across the room.

Father's Remember: You Are Bigger...

2006-12-07T16:07:00.000Z

Both parents should be aware of the need to cultivate their children's maleness or femaleness. It is appropriate for a father to compliment his daughter on her looks, dress, and feminine pursuits. It is inappropriate for him to engage her in shadow boxing and rough play, lest she conclude that father would have loved her more if she were a boy.
Between Parent & Child (Chapter 10: Sexual role and social function) - Dr Haim G. Ginott

The howling wind and driving rain told me it was a day for staying in, so I made my decision to do so - and it was bright and sunny by mid-morning *sigh*.
Daddy is a meek and mild-tempered sort of a fellow, but even he can morph into a boisterous boy when Bethy's on the bed squealing with delight and laughter, saying, "More, more" to being used as a pillow. Rough and tumble soon turned into tears. Thankfully a hasty visit to Mummy quickly dried the eyes. Mental note to self, for the umpteenth time: Ease off, man, she is only 86 cm and, you know, a girl.
I don't do it because I wish she was a boy. I do it because she is so infectious and playful.
The principle stands, all the same.

Later in the day, she came in from town smelling of cold and wet winter afternoons (yup, the weather turned - hurrah) and was soon wearing a pair of pink butterfly wings Kate had bought her. "Oh, beautiful wings, Bethy." She fell asleep in them.

Height: 86cm. Sex: Girl. Right. Got it.

Is This Her Independence Day?

2006-12-06T16:13:00.000Z

I was met by a nudist at the door today. The knickers had come off at some point in the day and they WERE NOT GOING BACK ON. "The pond, the pond!" was my first instruction, and she climbs her little naked "bottin" onto the sofa in front of the window to point at the now-filled hole in the middle of our garden.
Seems it has been a goodish day in the nappy-to-knicker crossover, although it did involve something undesirable being deposited on the bathroom floor. Right room, wrong target. Bethy had been dancing around and Kath asked if she needed to go. "No," came the usual response; this time it was quickly followed by a "Yesss" but she wasn't going to be helped by her Mummy; she wanted some privacy and went into the toilet by herself, shutting the door behind her. A few moments later: "Mummy!" It was a controlled voice, but she didn't want much to do with what was on the floor next to her. Kath - calm in a crisis - picked Bethy up and sat her on the toilet to finish off what she started. Which she did. She knows she needs to go, she's kinda able to hold on 'til she gets there; not much further to go, I'd say.

In the wee small hours of this morning, Katherine gradually came round to a seriously frustrated little girl; she'd obviously been going on about something to her sleeping Mother, but not getting the response she wanted she had worked herself into a bit of a lather. Kath finally fully woke up to her angrily saying, "Bethy's going in here!" And she pushed herself away and crawled back into her own bed, and fell asleep there. Talk of her own bedroom and bed is beginning to be appealing to her: "And toys?"

Tentative Forays

2006-12-05T23:02:00.000Z

Impatient training is self-defeating.
Between Parent & Child (Chapter 9: Sex Education) - Dr Haim G. Ginott

"It's been raining! It's been raining!" she says, greeting me at the door, her flickering fingers doing the falling-rain sign; and she's right, I didn't get any work done today because of the rain and blustery winds.
"What have we been doing?" prompts Mummy. "I don't know." I can see that it is something to do with hair-washing due to noticing her shiny blond curls. Kate leans in and whispers in her ear and she giggles but still doesn't venture what it was they did.
"You tell me, Mummy," I offer, taking the pressure off Annabeth. Sure enough, she had her hair washed "like a mermaid."
"Bethy want to show Daddy," she says, heading into the kitchen and grabbing the step. She puts it in front of the sink and steps up, putting both hands into the sink and showing me where the event took place.
Hair-washing is not a much-loved sport; no way is it going to be accomplished in the bath without major tears. Kate's workaround is to lie Bethy face up on the kitchen work surface with her head over the sink. That also proved slightly traumatic - it's the whole water-pouring situation - so they hit upon the idea of having enough water in the sink to be able to trail her hair in. No water-pouring necessary. Yup, that works.
"And it looks lovely," I twitter, sing-song, "Love-er-leeeeeeee."
"Hmmmmmm?" Says Bethy, scooting round the corner from the living room, on one leg like a cartoon baby, her brow furrowed into a question, "Hmmmmmmmmm?"
"Bethy chose her own clothes today," relates Katherine, "including...wearing...knickers."
We are at a transition. The nappy-to-knicker crossover.
Gently does it, I can tell you.
It is not initiated by us, necessarily. Not this time, anyway. Bethy has used the potty before, but she was not really ready. Now, it seems, she wants to make the break, but on her own terms. She so desperately wants to be out of her sagging nappy, but she can't quite - you know - let herself go. Little bit of performance anxiety, maybe.
While I talk to Kath, Bethy gets a book down. "Read a book, Daddy."
Clocking that we're in conversation, she follows the storybook title with her finger, holding the word vertically. "A - B - Bethy - D...(mumble mumble)"

Hair-washing, knicker-wearing, reading, eh? Things we take for granted are huge undertakings for such a tiny person. I'm well aware - now - that how we handle these mountains can have a lasting effect. Pretty daunting for all the household.

Two years, three months and five days.

2006-12-04T21:28:00.000Z

Everything is changing while the day sky stays blue.
Changing around him.
Where Does The Time Go? - the innocence mission

Sometimes it feels like I can't keep up.

What day did she learn to scrunch up her face and furrow her brow? Not long ago "Can you scowl like Katie?" was just met with kissy lips; now it's the full-on killer-quizzical: "What you doin'?" When did she get so big? Hardly a moment ago she lay safely in the crook of your arm; yet now, when she's hugged high up on my shoulder, a precariously dangling foot means being kicked repeatedly in the gulag archipelago. When was it me that got left under the table? "Come out, please, Daddy." When did she learn to put her coat on the right way round instead of walking into it like a smock? What night did she sleepily crawl into her own bed? I'm absolutely sure I missed the point when "Daddy" became "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad." When did these major steps take place? I don't know, and I'm there pretty much all of the time. But you can be there just about every minute and time still flicks by, and these occasions, these first-times, are blink-and-you-miss-'em quick.

Sitting across, watching her scoop baked beans into her mouth, I wonder if I can adjust quick enough to be able to cope with her rapidly changing feelings. She's becoming aware of her ambivalence: Ping! "Want Daddy." I hear from the other room, and me going through is suddenly met with screams of distress like she's being approached by Frankenstein's monster. Two minutes later: Ping! "Want Daddy," and she pours off her mother's lap and pads through to me, "Come off 'pooter, now, Daddy."